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Explaining America’s Options In Syria Using Bar-Fight Terms

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You can see a good ol’ inter-fraternal bar dustup developing a handle of Maker’s away. All it takes is a wrong glance of an eye or an ill-timed spill on the dance floor during “Teach Me How To Dougie”. From there the situation’s gonna escalate into a trident-and-grenade launching free-for-all.

Turn on the news these days, and it’s beginning to look inevitable that the United States is about to end up in a brouhaha of its own, this time with Syria. I swear, America and the Middle East are like two wildly impulsive daters who deep-down know they’re completely wrong for each other, but keep trying to make it happen while all their friends sit back and think, “these two star-crossed, codependent kids are just gonna end up back together again in two weeks.”

It really is tragic over there, and at some point, Congress will have to do something it hasn’t done since it was old enough to start growing facial hair- actually do something. What will they do though? America’s face may have gotten a bit wrinkled over the past decade, but we’re still the biggest guy at the bar, and if we wanted to, we could shut down the entire joint in the flash of an uppercut. But should we, or should we let those fighting jerks duke it out while we drink decadently and chase skirts? Let’s weigh our options.

Alpha Dog

The Option: Pound our shot, unbutton our top button, get some Sperrys on the ground unilaterally, and start taking names. Break the little twerps’ spirits in true shock-and-awe fashion, then go back to having a good time without caring about who cleans the blood up after we leave.

How It’d Probably Go Down: Every scene of Roadhouse ever. Quick, painful annihilation of our enemies.

Pro: Reasserting America’s dominance as top-house.

Con: Unlike the bar scene, foreign countries don’t close at 2 AM. At least, I don’t think they do (Note to self- have pledge find out the store hours of world governments). Chances are, America would not only get dragged into staying in Syria well-past the time the lights turn on, but we’d end up paying the bill, too.

Speak Softly and Carry a Limper

The Option: Begrudgingly and lazily walk up and start shoving people away from each other, one drone strike at a time.

How It’d Probably Go Down: Launching one or two drone strikes to “send a message,” as the President has come out in favor of, is essentially America’s way of placing someone in a sleeper hold while the belligerent party screams “hold me back, bro.” It serves one purpose: to get his attention.

Pro: Everyone shuts up and goes back to staring at each other really awkwardly.

Con: Someone shoots the messenger, and America’s ego gets us into the very massive fight we were trying to avoid. Or worse, we send our message and it falls completely on deaf ears, and the world starts to think we’re wimps.

Coalition of the Fratty

The Option: America puts aside its differences with the other top-houses, and every lettered gentlemen in the place starts wailing on these little GDI turds.

How It’d Probably Go Down: Anyone who was fighting earlier has stopped.

Pro: With so many other parties contributing, America can still walk out of the place without dropping that much coin. Japan sends free Playstations.

Con: America trusting France to have its back is like Jadevon Clowney going into a brawl with a 55-pound kicker.

Stay On The Sideline

The Option: Can’t a guy sit down for two damn minutes and enjoy his bourbon? You’re grown-ups; figure it out.

How It’d Probably Go Down: As the night intensifies, the entire bar, including the people fighting, turns its anger away from other, and instead directs it as us for taking a knee on this one.

Pro: More money to spend on drowning our guilty conscience one bar tab at a time.

Con: Jezebel writes scathing piece.

All Out Frat World War III

The Option: Russia sees America cleaning up the place, and decides to back up its top customer Syria just to be a jerk.

How It’d Probably Go Down: Atomic, not jager, bombs.

Pro: It’s been years since we’ve gotten into a good-versus-evil battle between a couple of top-houses. For too long, we keep getting lured in by the bottom-tiers. And look at the financial results: you hate to say it, but when two heavyweights rise up to the challenge, it brings out the best in everyone.

Con: Hollywood makes a horrible update of Rocky IV starring a 96-year old Sly Stallone, Nic Cage as Drago, and Amanda Bynes as Rocky’s wet-blanket of a wife. If I can change…and yous can change…(*Sly takes 20-minute nap, wakes up replaces dentures*)…everyone can change!

On second thought, there is no con for the World War III option. That’d be GROUNDBREAKING cinema. Know what? Let’s duke it out with some Ruskies!


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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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