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Experts Say Processed Meat Causes Cancer, I’m Still Going To Eat All Of it

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I love meat. Turkey. Roast beef. Chicken. All that shit’s good. But you know what I like even better? Meat that’s been cut apart, combined with other kinds of meat, loaded with seasoning, and smushed into a delicious Frankenmeat: sausage, bologna, hot dogs. These, along with bacon, ham, jerky, and most cold cuts, are what experts call “processed meat.”

At least half of my meals are consumed standing in the warm glow of the fridge with the meat drawer open (it’s right next to the vegetable drawer — also filled with meat) shoveling cold cut after cold cut into my mouth. Alas, to my dismay, the World Health Organization just added my dietary staple to the long list of things that cause cancer.

According to a panel of 22 international experts vegan pussies, processed meats give you butt cancer. They say red meat probably does, too.

From Washington Post:

In reaching its conclusion, the panel sought to quantify the risks. It cited studies suggesting that an additional 3.5 ounces of red meat per day raises the risk of colorectal cancer by 17 percent; eating an additional 1.8 ounces of processed meat daily raises the risk by 18 percent, according to the research cited. It also quoted figures suggesting that 34,000 cancer deaths a year worldwide were attributable to diets high in processed meats.

Considering practically all of our meals include some sort of processed meat, these findings are a major threat to the American way of life. This isn’t science. This is fucking terrorism.

But in all seriousness, the study does reek of bullshit. Everything was conducted using “epidemiological” or observational studies that found a LINK between cancer and large amounts of processed meat consumption. Further, the World Health Organization is notorious for linking everything under the sun to cancer, from yoga pants to coffee and wine.

Look at this study from the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. It found that most things are linked to cancer when studied individually.

Other scientists have criticized the epidemiological studies for too often reaching “false positives,” that is, concluding that something causes cancer when it doesn’t.
“Is everything we eat associated with cancer?” asked a much noted 2012 paper in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.

That paper reviewed the academic studies conducted on common cookbook ingredients. Of the 50 ingredients considered, 40 had been studied for their relation to cancer. Individually, most of those studies found that consumption of the food was correlated with cancer. But when the research on any given ingredient was considered collectively, those effects typically shrank or disappeared.

“Many single studies highlight implausibly large effects, even though evidence is weak,” the authors concluded.

Even if processed meat does cause cancer, then put me in a chair and hook me up to the chemo drip. Just leave my other arm free so I can put a bacon double cheeseburger in my mouth.

[via Washington Post]

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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