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Experts Believe The Australian Accent Is A Result Of Their Forefathers Being Raging Alcoholics

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As an American, I often wonder about the origins of the world’s numerous accents. I’m aware that ours came first and the remaining English-speaking nations of the world are merely uttering poor imitations of the great language of freedom, but what led to those subtle changes in speech? After realizing accents have the ability to make panties drop or possibly evoke deep-seeded hatred, I slowly began to understand and appreciate their power. They’re an entire identity, and they all evolved from something.

There’s an expert for everything, one of those being accents and their origin. A professor from Melbourne, Australia has been doing work in the research department at Victoria University and has come to the conclusion that the Australian accent developed quite literally from alcoholism.

From Independent:

Writing in The Age, Mr Frenkel said: “The Australian alphabet cocktail was spiked by alcohol. Our forefathers regularly got drunk together and through their frequent interactions unknowingly added an alcoholic slur to our national speech patterns.”

On a barren continent stocked with animals poised to stick your ass six feet under with one fatal blow, a man must have some relief.

It’s 2015. We have progressed so much as a species over the past 200 or so years. Pot is legal in several states. We succeeded in placing human footprints on the surface of the moon. There’s even a rumor floating around TFMHQ that there is a nice Tinder lady willing to let Jared see his first pair of knockers. We’ve achieved so much since the colonization of Australia, yet those mates in the southern hemisphere still speak the language of 18th century blackout.

“For the past two centuries, from generation to generation, drunken Aussie-speak continues to be taught by sober parents to children.”

Mr Frenkel says “poor communication is evident among all sectors of Australian society” and says the average Australian speaks to two-thirds of their capacity.

Check that out. Australian parents have been unknowingly teaching their kids to speak like boozers for centuries. I’m certain that is a lesson every proud Aussie wants the world to slap in a history book.

Even if they are the offspring of a squad of drunken bastards, I hold nothing against my Aussie brethren. I’ll never be able to appropriately thank my boys down in the outback for providing me with Australia’s greatest export: the Bloomin’ Onion. That alone is worthy of a pardon.

[via Independent]

Image via Shutterstock/Petr Kratochvila

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Bogey Wells

Bogey Wells is a Senior Freelance Writer for TFM News and a former summer pledge intern at TFMHQ. His Spotify playlists are pure garbage. Email:

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