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TFM Interview with Ron Jeremy

It was a seemingly normal Wednesday. I woke up at noon in a hungover daze, chugged a two-liter Gatorade, and unfolded a crisp new pledge-delivered student newspaper, and that’s when I saw it. Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy would be gracing my college town with his presence to promote his new business venture, Ron de Jeremy Spiced Rum. Needless to say, I planned around his schedule, grabbed my notebook, and scrambled for an interview with the porn god himself. Before I knew it, I was in the presence of the king and nearly at a loss for words. I swallowed my pride (no pun intended), had Ron sign my bottle of rum, and sat down with AVN’s top porn star of all time.

Here is the audio of my interview with Ron Jeremy, followed by the full transcript :

Full transcript:

SFPL: Hi Ron, do you have any advice for any aspiring adult film actors out there in the fraternity world?

Ron: Yes, take up tennis.

SFPL: Tennis?

Ron: It’s a very bad business right now. With the internet stealing, iTunes hurting rock and roll business, and YouPorn, PornTube, SexForFree.com, PornHub.com…all these companies are literally stealing and pirating, and they put stuff out for free making money on bandwidth and on advertising. So these companies…how do you compete with free? Major companies are all going out of business, and they really are. Proof: where I live in Los Angeles on Sunset Boulevard alone they closed down Tile Records, Tile Video, Virgin Megastore, Warehouse, and Blockbuster all in a matter of months. Because there is pirating going on, nobody needs to rent or buy a DVD when they can get stuff for free off the internet.

SFPL: True, true. They’re all over the place.

Ron: There’s no way to get in the business today. It’s getting tough. You can barely get work with the actors that have been around for many years.

SFPL: Alright Ron, around here in the fraternity world we have this thing called “The Sorority Gauntlet,” and that’s where a guy has sex with one girl in every sorority. How long do you think it would take you to do it if you went to college here?

Ron: How many sororities are there?

SFPL: There’s sixteen. Sixteen sororities.

Ron: Ten minutes.

SFPL: Ten minutes?

Ron: Yea, it’d be one stroke each.

(laughter)

Ron: I don’t know, I think I’d have to draw straws for who gets the pop. With sixteen in five minutes, you can’t let go with each person. You’ll be totally wasted at that point. Nothing left to be manufactured into the ball sack, ya know? Now are the girls in on this?

SFPL: They’re aware of it.

Ron: Has this actually been done?

SFPL: Multiple times. Not in ten minutes.

Ron: No, no. Are girls actually mad at them for doing it?

SFPL: The goal is to not let the girls know exactly that they’re just part of the gauntlet, because you know you have the really pretty sororities and the less pretty sororities.

Ron: Well you’ve got to have a really, really good looking guy, cause he’s got to turn on. He’s got to know he can get a girl. Cause suppose you go to a sorority, and they don’t have any single girls, they all have boyfriends, what do you do then?

SFPL: Yeah, true you got to maybe even…

Ron: I don’t mean to bust your balls. I don’t mean to ruin your gauntlet, but I don’t really think that you guys really do that. I think it doesn’t really work. Cause I’ve seen people try those kind of games, and when someone finds out, then some pissed off boyfriend is going to punch somebody in the face.

SFPL: Also has happened many a time.

Ron: When a girl finds out she’ll bash a person in the face, she’ll call security, get the guy in trouble. I don’t see this really working, I think it’s more like urban legend.

SFPL: Urban legend, one of those things?

Ron: Like um, like, allegedly like Dirty Sanchez, Rusty Trombone, Cherry Cheesecake, Butt Pirate, Two Dogs in the Tub.

SFPL: I’m going to have to look some of this up.

Ron: Like no one actually does it, they just joke about it. I think that this gauntlet is more talked about and joked about.

SFPL: Probably

Ron: Cause a guy can’t, he has to do all sixteen?

SFPL: Yes.

Ron: Can’t miss a single one?

SFPL: Right.

Ron: That’s virtually impossible.

SFPL: Yeah.

Ron: No guy can guarantee he’s going to get a girl in each sorority. How many girls are in each sorority, 20-30?

SFPL: Well, 160 or so, but still.

Ron: How can you guarantee that?

SFPL: You can’t. It’s a goal many of us strive for.

Ron: Has there ever been a guy that’s said “Thank you boys and girls, I won the Gauntlet.”

SFPL: I’ve never seen it, man. Never seen it.

Ron: Let me help you with this…you never will.

SFPL: Never will? I believe it.

Ron: You find the guy who does that, he’ll have more black eyes than a panda bear.

SFPL: Love it. So, Ron, you a college football fan?

Ron: A little.

SFPL: Who’s your team?

Ron: I wasn’t very so much…well let’s see who I like the most…you know it’s funny I actually like Gainesville’s team.

SFPL: The Gators.

Ron: Because you guys, I’ll tell you why I like the Gators. And I’m not making this up because I’m here, I’d say this if I was in New York. No I wouldn’t. (laughter) Yes I would. You guys have such great pride for your college team. You don’t see this anywhere else in the country.

SFPL: Definitely.

Ron: I signed autographs just now, like 30 or 40 of them, and I’d say one-fifth of everyone I signed was wearing a Gator’s t-shirt. It’s such loyalty, you don’t see that anywhere else in America.

SFPL: You don’t.

Ron: Professional teams, you don’t see this kind of support of a college team. However the Gators do so well, they’ve got such backing and such energy. I’m telling you this. I’m very impressed. I’d say Gators.

SFPL: Gators, I mean I’m not going to complain about that one.

Ron: Cuz I love the energy, I love the support the get from the people. You know.

SFPL: Alright Ron.

Ron: And it works hand in hand, the more they get support the more they want to get hard. The more they want to work hard, the more they get support.

SFPL: Alright Ron, we’ve all heard about baby arms and third legs, but what is your favorite euphemism for a monster schlong?

Ron: I like Herman, I like Schmeckle.

SFPL: Schmeckle? Schmeckle’s a new one.

Ron: Sounds so cute you want to cuddle with him. How can it sound offensive? You just want to give him a kiss on the face. I mean, I’m not going to say suck my dick, but maybe give a little kiss to The Schmeckle? That sounds so harmless.

SFPL: How do you feel about sexual puns about your rum? I.e. “A Rum Shot to the Face,” “oh god I’m about to rum,” or “The best rum you’ll ever swallow?”

Ron: I love all of them, I’ve got another one that’s very funny.

SFPL: Yeah?

Ron: Captain Morgan, ya know we’re competing with him, he has one leg we have three.

SFPL: That’s classic.

Ron: I like yours, I like what you guys are doing, they’re very good.

Ron: That reminds me of a famous line I used in a lot of films. “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but here comes a pearl necklace you’ll never forget.”

Ron: Favorite line in a movie I’ve ever used, is from Caught From Behind 4 where Keli Richards is looking up at the stars and I’m behind her with a telescope. She walks right in from me and I say, “Ya know, on a clear night, I bet I could see Uranus.” I love that line.

(laughter)

SFPL: Alright Ron, do you have any final words of wisdom for the fraternity guys out there, fans and what not?

Ron: Uh, no! Next…No, I’m kidding. Wait let me think of something. So words of wisdom?

SFPL: Words of wisdom.

Ron: It’ll be corny and you’re gonna vomit. I like to…you’re gonna throw up. I hear violins in the background, we can all join hands and sing “We are the World.” However, honestly, I really give a lot of the credit for the things I’ve done…If you look at my autobiography, which is a bestseller, it says in the beginning that I thank my parents for bringing up kids who never touched drugs, never drank, barely drink, don’t smoke, all got masters degrees in college. So I like to think that one of the main reasons why I’ve got so successful with what I do is because I never bothered with drugs whatsoever. Never touched them. I wouldn’t know what cocaine looks like or taste likes.

SFPL: Right.

Ron: Never did it. I think a lot of that is very important. That’s the best advice I can give you. If you want to drink a little bit, fine. Do something recreationally, fine. Ya know pot, fine. But if you get down to the real serious drugs, and even too much pot makes you too lethargic.

SFPL: Definitely.

Ron: I was in college and the kids that did pot, it’s not a bad thing to do, but it makes you too laid back and doesn’t make you a real hustler.

SFPL: I gotcha.

Ron: In this day and age…You have to be a competitor.

SFPL: Definitely.

Ron: You’ve gotta beat the competition. Getting high on pot is great in recreational hours only. Don’t do it everyday, and don’t do it before an exam. Don’t do it when you have to be really like, sharp, and at your wits. It just mellows you too much.

SFPL: Definitely

Ron: Which is a good thing, recreationally. Bad thing when you’re competing.

SFPL: Or on your own time.

Ron: So you’ve gotta look out for drugs and pot, you’ve gotta use it wisely and recreationally. I’m not saying don’t do it. Can’t give you better advice than that.

SFPL: Alright Ron well I really appreciate you having this interview with me. Thank you so much. That was awesome.

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StuffFratPeopleLike

StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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