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Everyone Hates The Guy With The Biggest Balls

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None of us were shocked that Tom Brady got suspended. Like if there was a final exam and you bought some Adderall from a friend to study, then you nailed the final only to be caught in a big Adderall crack down, you’d be totally cool with having your next semester graded out of a 75 percent. Because you’re a cheater, and cheaters got to own up. The only surprising part was how much people hated Tom Brady. Like, wow. When the suspension news broke, everyone in Baltimore started hugging. But think of his backstory: average high school player works his way to the top of his profession to be a multi-championship sensation with a beautiful wife. To me, that’s how I want to be described. Average high school kid with a huge penis works his way to the top of the dude-site writing world with a beautiful wife and children draped in “Back To Back World War Champions” t-shirts. Do we hate Brady? Or do we hate his success?

There’s a subway sign that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately (this is also how I start conversations with the birds I feed at the park). It’s one of those cartoon guys you see on the bathroom door, sitting on a subway seat with his knees spread open. Next to the picture there’s a caption that reads, “Dude… Stop the spread, please. It’s a space issue.” I keep wondering how signs like these get marketing dollars. It just seems like such a small issue. Didn’t the conversation end at balls (testicals)? You know, that change purse between a man’s legs that sweats on its own schedule? Having them just changes the way a guy sits. Not on purpose, and not in a way that he can’t squeeze them together but just upon initially sitting that in no way has anything to do with him thinking, “I’m a man with balls, so I’m worth one and a half women seats.” It’s not about power; it’s about a simple mistake that happens when you deal with an extra body part.

Nobody in that marketing room said, “Ohh balls!” and just moved on because that sign is about more than balls. Nobody feels sorry for men. We’ve had it really easy for a long time. Peeing standing up alone is enough to make a girl go nuts (watch them pee in the woods, it’s like a water balloon exploding with less control — and it’s hot). Even if the intent of our open legs wasn’t to persecute the women on the subway, it’s a result of a lifetime of being able to toss our legs around. If there was a sign with two cartoonishly big boobs flopped to the sides that said, “Chicks… flop-em in, please, It’s a space issue.” How long would that sign even last? It would go up on the subway, a woman would take a picture of it, and then start crying while hugging herself as she screamed “Stop looking at me you perverts!” Then the video of her crying would get a million views and Jezebel would have a “My Tits, My Space” event planned where women are invited to a bra-less protest during rush hour. So, about 5 minutes.

Tom Brady is every man. Nobody is going to feel bad for Tom because he’s on a streak that never really happens for most football players. The same goes for men. Nobody is going to defend us. Nobody is going to feel bad for us. We are on a run which no other group can relate (maybe suburban dogs but they don’t fist pump). Taking down Tom Brady, or anyone that has real success, for something so trivial, is the public dragging down a lifestyle they can’t imagine attaining — a world that’s so far from them it must be destroyed. Nobody stands up on the side of open legs because you’d be fighting against a group that is screaming about something much bigger than your balls.

Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback linked to a piece by Mark Leibovich where he writes about how Brady’s general demeanor while being questioned on deflate-gate. Mark writes a line about where Brady stands in the social consciousness, and it’s a bit striking:

Brady is getting killed in the press. Rich, handsome, supermodel wife, four-time Super Bowl champion: He makes as perfect a villain as he does a hero.

In the world of fairness and the politically correct, the winner is the villain. Tom isn’t “with us” so he must be “against us.” It’s a weird way to place someone when every day we dream about becoming something more or different or put up a YouTube video and check on the view count. You don’t hate Tom Brady. You hate that Tom seemingly has it easier than you. If you ever get that success, don’t expect people to understand what you do with your balls.

Image via YouTube

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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