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Back again, shitsticks, and I’m here to present you with a few more guys in every fraternity that we all know too well. You’re bound to have at least one of these clowns under your fraternity house roof.
Ever since you pledged you’ve heard the epic stories about this kid’s father back in ‘84. He’s the one who got blown by two Zetas in the hazement just before his social chairman election. He once finished a fifth of Jim Beam, proceeded to beat every brother in the house in a chug off, and placed first in a sorority pageant philanthropy just an hour later. This guy is a fucking legend. So, naturally, when you see his son’s name on your to-rush list your mind races at the thought of sharing your house with such frat genetics.
Unfortunately, this is not always the case. While there are surely several legacies out there who both meet and surpass the delinquency of their fathers, many are sadly quite the opposite. Maybe it isn’t fair to compare them against such unfair odds, as everyone knows fraternities were a completely different (but still fucking awesome) organization in the 80’s. Either way, this kid tends to disappoint a little more than he should.
Every time you see this brother, he is trying to hand you an application for anything from the “IFC Co-Assistant Director of Some Random Shit” to the “2.5k Rabies Fun Run Morale Team Staff.” It seems like this brother has a radar for upcoming elections in irrelevant positions, and he can’t help but share this insignificant talent with the brotherhood. He usually takes it extremely personally when you decline and delegates his speaking time in Chapter to give a 20-minute “Why We Need Involvement” Powerpoint presentation.
We. Fucking. Get it.
The Anal Risk Manager
Okay so sure, Risk Management is a very important aspect of any fraternity, as we are inherently risky groups of people. We drink beyond the mortal point of reason, experiment with new ADHD medications, and start fires for absolutely no reason. The key word for this position is “management.” We’ll never avoid all the risks associated with our membership but God dammit the anal risk manager is going to try to.
I get why you wouldn’t want people to slide down the fire escape railing whilst double fisting. And maybe pointing fireworks at our neighbor fraternity’s open window was a little malicious. And maybe towing Jenkins in a shopping cart behind Frank’s Tahoe could have ended a lot worse than it did. But you don’t have to be such a dick about it all the time.
The Anal Risk Manager has made it his personal mission to destroy fun. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and be a little reckless. Let’s get as much stupidity out of our system while we’re still young.
The “Batting Way Above His Average” Brother
Okay so it’s not like this brother is ugly or anything, but for some strange ungodly reason his girlfriend is completely disproportionally hot. This average run-of-the-mill dude managed to scoop this girl up for a date function in the dorm hallway and they’ve been dating ever since. Every time they enter the bar together they receive awkward passerby looks that practically scream “Seriously? They’re together?” Yes, yes they are. Congrats but, you defied the odds, I just hope you two get married because you’re not likely to get anyone better.
The Over Fratter
So I get that the common frat lifestyle these days consists of the whole boat shoes, 6” inseams, and polo shirts with a fucking zoo’s worth of different animals. That’s totally fine. But there’s always one brother who takes the whole thing a little bit too far. The kid that spews out the entire TFM wall for everyone to hear at the bar. I’m sorry, but pink pastel pants and a matching bowtie are not appropriate garb for a cracked out night in the library. I’m talking about the kids with so many pastels and patterns on they look like the Vineyard Vines whale raped them while the Brooks Brothers sheep held them down. Oh yeah, and the guy on the Polo horse watched. Seriously over-fratters, calm down and try a neutral color scheme every once in awhile.
Be sure to let me know any more “Guys In Every Fraternity” you think of on Twitter @thehousedad