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Entire Pledge Class Drops After Finding Out Brothers Were Serious About Being A “Non-Hazing Fraternity”

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The fall pledge class of the Phi Lambda chapter of Beta Delta sent a letter to Chapter President Peter Pervis last night announcing their collective decision to terminate their own pledgeship after discovering that the fraternity was being serious during rush when they said that they don’t haze their pledges.

“This is bullshit,” Ex-Pledge Class President Tucker Montgomery told TFM. “It was my understanding that fraternity members were only saying that to rushees to save face. I’m pretty sure the president even threw me a wink when he told me.”

“I’ve actually been struggling with a sporadic right eye twitch for a few years now,” Pervis said, holding back tears. “I’m very self conscious about it.”

The pledge class learned that they were about to endure a hazing-free semester during what they thought was their first lineup. After being told to go make themselves comfortable in the basement by their pledge educator, the pledge class stripped naked, blindfolded themselves with their pants and gagged the pledge brother next to them with their skid-marked underwear, thinking this must have been what the pledge educator meant with his cryptic instructions.

“We heard the door open and the pledge educator yell, ‘What the fuck?’ I took off my blindfold and saw him standing there with a cookie cake that read ‘Welcome, new friends!'” said Montgomery. “I noped the fuck out of there and brought my pledge brothers with me.”

The Phi Lambda chapter, which has won the Beta Delta Chapter Of The Year Award a record thirteen years running, is now down to only 17 members. Pervis is confident that the fraternity will not only survive, but thrive without a pledge class this fall.

“It’s just so much easier to run a fraternity when brothers and pledges are on even pedestals,” Pervis said. “Now, if you excuse me, I need to pick up my laundry, do my Spanish homework, print my Psych essay, and get groceries. It’s a lot of errands, but what are you gonna do, right?”

Repeated requests for information about the availability status of the potentially discarded cookie cake went unanswered.

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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