I love emojis. They took texting, which had no personality, and made it fun. You can send someone a top hat with an “X” next to it and it can mean anything from “I ain’t no fancy bitch” to “I have no condoms.” The possibilities are really endless. The best part about those Japanese geniuses who made poop with eyes a thing is that they’ve exposed the losers. Oh, you’re a person who sends winky faces after an “I had a great time tonight” text? Yup, you have no soul. You’ve told every chick you’re the type of guy who stares emotionless into a girl’s eyes during missionary position sex and finishes with a kiss on the forehead? Enjoy your water, sir. I’ll be with the dudes who send dancing chicks after a date and the girls who send painted nails pictures, and one of those girls will text me something like, “Late for work. Don’t care.” So if you’re with me, and you love some good, old-fashioned personality, here are some emoji sentences for studs and chicks who party. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Meaning: Hey, I just got done pumping iron. I’m feeling crazy. Let’s go drink so many beers we start speaking with offensive Indian accents.
When You’d Use It: Saturday nights.
Meaning: I enjoy having sex with you, but I don’t want to marry you. Are you on the pill?
When You’d Use It: You’ve been seeing this girl and things are great, but you played the “one, two, three, pull it out and use a condom” game. You just want to make sure.
Meaning: Hey! Last night was a lot of fun. You’re really good with your tongue. What’s your name?
When You’d Use It: After a one-night stand, or after meeting a girl at a frozen yogurt shop.
Meaning: You looked skinny today on Instagram. We should get drinks. Also, I have an above average-sized but weirdly colored penis.
When You’d Use It: After you liked a chubby girl’s Instagram picture.
Meaning: I just ate Chipotle.
When You Use It: You’ve disappeared a little too long from your buddy and the foxes you guys met at the bar. A “Where are you?!?!” text. Next comes, “These chicks aren’t staying here forever.” A single bead of sweat falls down your forehead. You’re exploding. You’re beyond caring about noises. You just need this demon out of your system. An overweight drunk looks between the cracks of the bathroom and asks, “Are you okay?” like he’s never taken a shit before. You screech, “Yes,” in the way a woman with an abusive husband claims to be okay. You’re an anchor, and you have to set your buddy free. It’s time to fess up. It’s time to let him know the burrito gods have deemed you irrelevant.
Meaning: I just had my period.
When You Use It: If you’re having sex with a neurotic Jew. Or, after a guy has taken you for a dinner where you’ve ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and multiple glasses of wine. You’re in bed, making out heavily, shirts come off, pants are thrown, and he’s shoving what feels like a baby Darth Vader helmet into your side. You say, “Wait! I can’t.” Then you pick up your phone and type this emoji sentence. It will hurt, but at least it will be cute.
Meaning: Thank you, God!
When You Use It: As a response to any girl you’ve had unprotected sex with saying she had her period, or to texts you get telling you that the McRib is back. Very similar euphorias.
When You’d Use It: 9 a.m. to noon, when you’re on a family vacation with your parents and you don’t want to knock on their hotel room door for fear that you’ll hear the sound of scrambling, reminiscent of your high school, left-handed, “homework” sessions.
Meaning: You up?
When You’d Use It: Midnight to 4 a.m. Warning: Do this move with your actual hands to a girl across the bar and it won’t be as cute.