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“Eating Subway Makes You F*ck Kids” – Jared Fogle’s Last Pitch (Seriously)

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Subway Made Jared Have Sex With Kids

According to disgraced Subway spokesman Jared Fogle’s attorneys, eating all that Subway is what made Jared want to have sex with children… sort of.

More specifically, losing the massive amount of weight that he did (because he ate all that Subway) caused Jared to become “hyper-sexual” and thus suffer from “mild pedophilia.” Basically, after Jared could finally see his penis, he wanted to use it on EVERYTHING. This is according to Dr. John Bradford, a psychiatrist Jared’s attorneys called to testify on their client’s behalf. (“Mild pedophilia” is, by the way, not a term used by the psychiatric community at large. Bradford sort of pulled it out of his ass to make Jared’s actions sound less horrifying than they actually were.)

Bradford said Fogle was unlike rapists and child molesters in rationalizations about their behavior.

“He didn’t have those types of cognitive distortions that you would see in those individuals,” Bradford said.

Fogle had “sexual arousal testing.” That included “visual stimulations” such as slides of men and women, and boys and girls, of different ages.

Bradford said he was concerned about Fogle’s eating disorder from childhood to college.

“Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality,” he said. “There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”

I’ll admit, that’s a hell of a defense. Points for creativity. And on a side note, someone needs to write a behind the scenes book like they did for ESPN and Saturday Night Live, detailing all the batshit insane ideas and defenses lawyers bounced around for their clients who were clearly guilty of horrible crimes. It would take me no more than a day to read that cover to cover.

According to the Indianapolis Star, Jared was sentenced to 15 years, eight months in prison for possession and distribution of child pornography and traveling across state lines for commercial sex with a minor.

[via The Indianapolis Star]

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