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I’m not a biologist. Or a meteorologist. I had this hilarious shirt in college that said “gynecologist” but I guess that doesn’t actually mean I’m what someone would call “medically certified.” At least that’s what the courts told me.
I was no honors student growing up as my parents’ blank car bumpers would tell you. None of my science fair volcanos ever came close to sniffing a ribbon. Or erupting. Or having a complimentary tri-fold to explain the reasoning behind my experiment. I’m just not a data guy. Never have been, never will be.
The little scientific knowledge I have collected over the years all comes from the combination of watching nature documentaries stoned out of my mind and that one time these super nice people in white kept feeding me snacks and telling me about this dude named Ron and another leftward sloping d by the name of Xenu. It got a little too intense for my liking, so I bailed. When it comes to anything in that walk of life, I generally stay in my lane and leave it to the secondhand, misconstrued words of nerds in lab coats thanks to the fine folks of Twitter.
Bad news today, guys and gals: earth is heading towards the biggest mass extinction since those washed up scrubs in the Jurassic period. I know, I know. Huge buzzkill. Wednesday afternoon and the weekend is well within sight. Plans are starting to come into formation. Texts have been sent. People are coming into town. And now we have the impending doom of all life hanging over our heads.
From The Washington Post:
A new study published Monday paints a grim picture: The populations of nearly 9,000 vertebrate species, including mammals such as cheetahs, lions and giraffes, have significantly declined between 1900 and 2015. Almost 200 species have gone extinct in the last 100 years alone — a rate of two per year. The study says the losses are indicative of the planet’s “ongoing six major extinction events” and has cascading consequences for human life on Earth.
“This is the case of a biological annihilation occurring globally, even if the species these populations belong to are still present somewhere on Earth,” Rodolfo Dirzo, the study’s co-author and a Stanford University biology professor, said in a news release.
Thanks for that, Stanford. Can you imagine a world without giraffes or elephants? Girls who “live to travel” and prove that claim with animal Instagram posts can’t. Cheetahs could probably go without much impact on the world. I mean I can’t even think of a single school or sports franchise with that trash cat as a mascot. Lions, on the other hand, would be devastating. And the city of Detroit has gone through enough as is.
But if this is the end of the line for life as we know it, I’m all for it. We proved those Aztec buffoons wrong by five years, and frankly, it’s getting a little too crowded on this planet for my liking. I’d be down for 95 percent of everything else on this God forsaken rock to go. Not me, of course. It’s time to put all those post apocalyptic video games and movies that I’ve watched over the years to the test. My doomsday bunker is fully stocked and I’m ready to let it rip. Let’s do this, earth. Bring it..
[via The Washington Post]
Image via Shutterstock