Steph Curry, his wife Ayesha, and their children have had a stranglehold on the internet’s #FamilyGoals market for the better part of the last year. It was a good run for the Currys, but the NBA’s MVP just got his shit pushed in by LeBron, Ayesha has been outed as a conspiracy theorist, and the public has grown tired of Riley’s “3-year-old” shtick. Brian Windhorst saw through that toddler’s bandwagon attitude from the start, and now it seems like the rest of the country is finally catching up. Good looking out, Windy.
It’s time for a much needed changing of the guard. We can’t have the gold standard American sports family be runners up — especially to the city of Cleveland. We need that title to be filled by a championship-caliber household, and who better than your new United States Open Champion Dustin, his sex-dripping minx of a wife Paulina, and the rest of the Johnson/Gretzky clan?
Now that’s a fucking power family right there. The genetic jackpot for Tatum Johnson. His pops may be the best natural athlete in the history of golf and Gramps is the fucking “Great One.” If that little guy isn’t crushing ass by pre-K and racking up scholarship offers for golf or hockey before 8th grade graduation, it’ll be the most colossal waste of talent ever.
Paulina is the type of ride-or-die, down-ass broad you want to settle down with, too. Through it all — DJ’s alcohol and cocaine-fueled womanizing, a career of gut-wrenching finishes at major championships up until Sunday, and questionable decision making that included rocking a soul patch for longer than the ironic two seconds of laughter you get while looking in the mirror shaving — she was right there in his corner the entire time. It never hurts to have your main hoe look like this, either:
Some of you may be thinking, “Having Wayne Gretzky as your father-in-Law could be difficult to deal with.” I mean, how could you ever be good enough for that legend’s daughter? And truthfully, you never would be — in his eyes. But DJ has the ultimate trump card in his back pocket. At the end of the day, he’s still porking Wayne’s daughter and he’s not reluctant in telling the rest of the world about it.
Dustin, himself, is everything you and I should aspire to be. The “rags to riches” American dream personified married into Canadian royalty. A genuine guy’s guy and weekend warrior of good times. A man with a bit of an edge to him despite admitted to not having much of a work ethic and riding to the top taking his brother along for the ride off sheer God-given talent.
So take it all in, North America. Yes, Canada too. The internet has a new standard for both #RelationshipGoals and #FamilyGoals and their name is the Johnsons..
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