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Dumbass Throws Firecracker Over White House Fence On The Worst Possible Day

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Photo via Evan Vucci AP

On Monday, the same day as the Navy Yard shooting, 52-year-old Alexander Sahagian took to Pennsylvania Avenue to fly his stupidity flag at full mast, despite the rest of the country mourning a tragedy not more than eight hours old. This guy must have been looking for a Darwin award, because he’s fortunate a White House sniper didn’t turn his face into one gaping hole. After throwing several small firecrackers over the fence, the Secret Service descended on him like bees to a guy covered in their hive’s honey. The bees probably would have been less painful though. Bees can’t slam you into a ground while mirandizing you and dragging you off to a Secret Service van for transfer to DC Metropolitan Police. He’s mostly lucky they didn’t shoot him, because the Secret Service does not fuck around.

No word on why the suspect decided to make his own life a living hell for a few laughs and a trip to the hospital, but my guess is that he has a profound lack of common sense. Or a death wish. Personally, I hope they throw the book (and several firecrackers) at him. Illegally throwing a projectile is the only charge though. It’s really sad that “being a fucktard” isn’t a crime our legal system can prosecute.

As for the rest of yesterday’s events, I’m thankful we have great law enforcement officials like those at Secret Service and military police protecting our country from threats foreign and domestically idiotic. I know quite a few of them, and they’re all very cool, very tough men and women. Thanks for the service and the willingness to sacrifice to keep the rest of us safe.

[via USA Today]


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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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