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Dude Masturbates While Driving, Things Don’t End Well

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Dude Masturbates While Driving, You'll Never Guess What Happens Next

He died.

Per Valenti and Foster on 97.1 The Ticket, CBS Detroit:

A new level of distracted driving was reached when a 58-year-old man, allegedly preoccupied by a pornographic movie on his phone, crashed and rolled his vehicle.

It happened at about 3:30 a.m. Sunday on the ramp from the Lodge to I-75 in Detroit, Michigan State Police told WWJ 950.

Michigan State Police Lt. Mike Shaw said it’s the strangest thing he’s ever encountered on the roadway.

A lot of bad drivers out there.

Think we’ve all been there. It’s late at night. You’re driving, maybe a little lubed up on the devil’s cough syrup, thinking about a pair of jeans you just got the number of at the bar. The highway is as barren as a post-industrial town’s clean water supply. That new Selena Gomez song comes on where homegirl’s singing all seductive. You know the one. I just wanna look good for ya, good for ya, uh oh. Things start moving around downstairs like you’re George Costanza at a massage parlor. Problem is, you still have 30 miles ’til you’re home, the wife’s probably fast asleep, and Selena’s only dropping more heat turning into the second verse. good for ya, good for ya, uh oh.

Can’t really fault the guy for reaching for his stick shift, even though he’s driving an automatic.

The horny old man’s drive might have ended worse than Carson Palmer’s this past Sunday, but at least he went out on his terms: alone, pants off, and with a hand full of smut. And they say that heroes are a dying breed.

[via CBS Detroit]

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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