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Drunken New Year’s Resolutions

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I make New Year’s Resolutions every year. They always sound good at the time, but I’m so lazy that I never actually follow through with any of that shit. I always make stupid bitch resolutions like “Get in shape,” “Be nicer to people” or “Don’t drink so much.” I usually end up breaking them all the very next day. But in 2013 I’ve realized that it’s the drunken asshole inside of me that makes me so awesome. I’m done trying to repress my true nature with pussy ass resolutions. It’s time to make some serious resolutions that hopefully some of you will embrace with me.

1. Only drink top shelf liquor.

I’m tired of drinking bullshit cheap ass skank juice. If you have money, you might as well spend it on things that are worthwhile. Drinking cheap liquor is like letting a Vietnamese prostitute to blow you for five bucks in a back alley. If you’re going to pay to put your penis in a face hole, you might as well pay a little extra to avoid the bleeding ulcers.

2. Only bang top shelf sluts.

NO MORE FATTIES. Seriously. No mater how drunk you get, no more busted girls. This is harder than it seems, because of goddamn beer goggles. Learn to set your sights higher and have some self-control. Only bang girls that you’re proud to kick out in the morning. Don’t let her walk of shame become your walk of shame.

3. Punch more people.

I’ve been arrested several times for knocking people the fuck out. But honestly, life is short. I use diplomacy when I can, but there are way too many stupid people in the world to let any deserving douchebags slip through the cracks. I pride myself on my ability to be the wrong person to say the wrong shit to at the wrong time. Some dudes just need to know what asphalt tastes like. Don’t start fights, end them. Karma doesn’t have fists, but you do.

4. Get some tattoos.

I already have a tattoo, but I feel like there’s so much more I can express with my body. We’re all gonna die someday so it’s not like tattoos are permanent. Don’t get a retarded tattoo like a nautical star or some inspirational bullshit in Chinese. Standard tattoos identify you as an unimaginative robot. Chicks who get hearts and butterflies are sluts. Guys who get nautical stars are douchebags. Don’t be so easily categorized. Get something that makes you unique, like a chick with tits for a head or a giant Godzilla dick spewing magma all over a Japan. You know, something interesting.

5. Get more out of strippers with garbage currency.

I’m tired of going to strip clubs and wasting my hard earned money on useless whores. It’s time to get more bang for my buck with a briefcase full of bullshit foreign currency. Convince them that your dad is a wealthy diplomat or some shit. Make it rain billions on bitches all night long. They’ll think they’re rich until they check the currency exchange rate the next day and realize that one American dollar is worth 642,371,437,695, 221,000 Zimbabwe dollars. Joke’s on you, whores.

6. Stop being such a lazy fuck.

Whatever it is you’re trying to do, just do it. Learn to do things as soon as you think of them. Don’t allow time for more thinking. As soon as you delay something for one second, odds are that second will turn into hours, days, weeks, or months. Whenever you catch yourself saying “I’m going to do something” or “I should do something” punch yourself in the dick and start doing it immediately. If you adopt this mentality, you’ll discover that there won’t be shit that you “need to do” because you’ve already done it. Procrastination is a lot like masturbation. It feels really good until you realize you just fucked yourself.

7. Eat healthier.

If you only eat pizza, fried chicken, and cheeseburgers, you’re going to turn into a fat piece of shit. American food is a joke. The FDA pretty much approves of anything that doesn’t give you ass herpes or SARS. The food production industry in America is atrocious and wasteful. All the animals are injected with hormones, subjected to terrible living conditions, and inhumanely slaughtered. Just check out the PETA website before you order another cheeseburger and you’ll change your mind about HAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING YOU STUPID HIPPIES. This is America and I’m going to stuff my fat fucking face with whatever I want, especially if it’s delicious factory automated murder. I’m a carnivore and I don’t eat salads. That’s what my food eats.

8. Make a million dollars.

There is no quick fix for making a lot of money. Unless you win the lottery or you were born into wealth, it takes innovation and time. I’m not talking about a job. If you work at a job, you will never be wealthy and you will never be happy. You will just take it up the ass from the man until you die. Do you know what job stands for? Just Over Broke.

Luckily, there is a formula for real wealth. I’ve studied under several successful entrepreneurs and I’ve learned a proven methodology for generating capital. It’s simple and surprisingly effective. It isn’t some complicated jargon or some stupid pyramid scheme. It’s something you can start doing today and it might even change your life. It’s like getting a boner for the first time. You won’t even know what to do with yourself.

Making a million dollars isn’t really that hard these days, and I’m well on my way to realizing that goal. I used to be a broke ass college student, but now everything has changed. It has nothing to do with my degree and nothing to do with my job. All it takes is an open mind and a great idea.

There’s an old proverb that says, “If you’re good at something, never do it for free.” I’ve told many people my secret for success, and every single one of them agrees that it’s the best advice they’ve ever heard. I was just giving it away for free until one day someone told me that I should charge people for it. I took this suggestion to heart, which is why I’ll offer my secret to you for just $1. I didn’t really know what to charge for it, so I figured a dollar is a pretty useless denomination. You can’t even buy a fucking pack of gum with a dollar anymore.

If you are interested, please click the button below to donate $1 and I will personally email you the secret to success. Some of you might think it’s bullshit, but I don’t really care. It’s only a dollar and if you decide that it’s not worth it, you’ll never know.

I guarantee that you will be satisfied and I’ll be honest about the fact that all proceeds will go towards my rampant alcoholism. Unlike your average homeless person, I think honesty is the best policy.

For just one dollar, I’ll tell you how to make a million dollars.

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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