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I received the following email this afternoon:
This night was a bro night with some of the bros over Christmas and this one got outta control. At this point it is 3:30 and he is beyond gone. All those beers behind him are empty and there were only 5 of us. There were more beers to be had by the time the night was called. Anyway, this kid is obsessed with Kate Upton so I tell him to talk about her while I “make a snap video.” Somehow he starts going off on you, Roger, and about slam pieces at Alabama, where he goes. At the end, the kid whose house we are at comes in, and he is sober, and he is pissed and the video gets shut down. Anyway, thought you would enjoy.
Here’s the video:
“Fuck you, Roger Dorn. You’re probably fuckin’ sitting there like, ‘What the fuck? This kid’s drunk.'”
“I’m not fuckin’ drunk, Roger Dorn.”
Yeah, you are.
A few other thoughts:
1. “This night was a bro night with some of the bros over Christmas and this one got outta control.”
This sentence should have made you cringe. One “bro” is one too many bros. Two “bros” in a sentence makes me want to stab my own face.
2. What do you call that stance? The big, gay flamingo? Put your leg and your dainty, little arms down, you freak.
3. Kate Upton doesn’t even have a nice ass. This is pretty common knowledge. My 6-year-old cousin is already over her ass. She has some of the best natural hammers in the game, obviously, but her ass is run-of-the-mill. Get it together, man.
4. How the hell do you segue from Kate Upton’s ass to talking shit to me? Without even missing a beat, you were seconds from climaxing in your Old Navy khakis while talking about Upton’s “un-fuckin-real” butt, then came at me like a rabid honey badger. I can’t help but wonder if you often think of me at, or near, sexual climax.
5. Good luck getting laid by the “slampieces at Al-a-bama” again, nerd.