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Drug User Guide

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Adderall, Mr. Study Buddy

Adderall is the only reason that stupid people graduate from college. Adderall allows you to cram weeks of course work into a few nights of binge reading. If you’re lucky enough to have a prescription that your parents pay for, you can just sell it during exam week. Adderall is like gold in a college town. If you don’t have a prescription, it’s easy as shit to get. The beauty of ADD is that every body has it. It is a fictional “illness” created by a group of clever “psychologists”, who are nothing more than petty drug pushers. All you have to do is tell the truth to your doctor. “My mind wanders when I’m reading some really boring bullshit and I find it difficult to concentrate when I have absolutely no interest in the subject.” Boom. That’s all it takes. If there is some kind of attention test that you have to take, just smoke weed before you take it. Weed will murder your attention span and guarantee that the doctor thinks you’re a fucking retard. He’ll jump at the chance to get another stupid kid hooked on drugs.

Cocaine, Mr. Snowman

Cocaine is frat candy for those bros who nose how to get fucked up. Cocaine is universally recognized as the #1 party drug in the world. It’s pretty much Capitalism in powder form. It’s really expensive and it’s never enough. Poor people make it, rich people buy it, and it’s so awesome that it’s criminal. People who do lots of cocaine need to make a lot of money to be able to afford it, but they are always perpetually broke because they blow it all. It’s a vicious cycle. As Robin Williams so famously put it “Cocaine is God’s way of saying you make too much money.”

Crack, Mr. Zero Fucks

If you smoke crack you are poor and unworthy of recognition. Good day, sir.

Meth, Mr. No Teeth

If you’re addicted to meth, it’s likely that you’re pretty good at sucking dick. Constant meth use destroys the enamel of your teeth, which eventually rot and fall out. The plus side is that your blowjobs are much better without teeth. Meth dealers always appreciate a toothless blowjob, just like grandma used to give. Sometimes, your friends turn into demons when you look at them, but it’s all good. You’ll learn to appreciate the subtleties of the experience as your reality slowly melts and turns into hell. You’ll be sucking the devil’s dick in no time if you can’t figure out how to kick the habit.

Ecstasy, Mr. Rave Face

Your iPod is full of techno and dubstep. You have entirely too many neon clothes and your wardrobe is hand selected from rejected TRON costume designs. You have an unnecessary need to drink water because you believe that your brain will over heat and you will die from dehydration. If given the opportunity, you would invest all of your money in an attempt to develop a rechargeable glow stick.

LSD, Mr. Conspiracy Theory

Every house has a few undercover hippies in it. It’s inevitable. Any time some one needs a tie die shirt for a social, they come to you. You’ve probably seen Zeitgeist a few too many times and the only thing you like to talk about is how the Illuminati and the banking cartels control the world. Most people think you’re crazy and paranoid, but they don’t know about RFID chips and FEMA camps. Ironically, you still use your iPhone, even though you know it is recording all of your conversations. Damn you, Angry Birds.

Xanax, Mr. Blackout

Xanax is a one-way ticket to Zanzibar, the peaceful and serene island of memory loss. When you take Xanax you save a lot of money on the alcohol that you don’t have to buy. However, if you make the mistake of drinking too much, your stream of consciousness instantaneously fast-forwards to the next morning. It’s like a reset button for your brain. You have absolutely no recollection from the previous night and you are completely covered from head to toe with dicks. “Balls” is written confidently on your forehead and you have to hear all about the incomprehensibly stupid shit that you did from your friends. For those who want to experience Alzheimer’s for a night, Xanax is for you.

DMT, Mr. Mindfuck

DMT is like loading the universe into a giant dick that splooges inside your brain at one million miles an hour. There is literally no way to fully describe DMT using our primitive monkey language. It is a PhD crash course in fractal mathematics. Your body shatters and your soul rockets into deep space towards Alpha Centari at the speed of light. You arrive in another dimension populated by aliens, angels, or some other culturally relevant word that people use to describe shit that is fucking nuts. You find yourself in the middle of a cosmic house party. They are playing beer pong using stars as pong balls and galaxies as cups. The sluts are supernovas that are so hot and bright, your eyes burn out. You flail around like a useless baby until you are brought before the Executive Board, who seems perplexed that you don’t have an intergalactic bid. They don’t know what you are or where you came from and neither do you.

A quantum computer made out of crystalline patterns identifies you as human and triangulates the star system that you came from. They reveal that Earth, as a whole, has been black balled from the galaxy. There is a GDI quarantine around Earth that won’t be lifted until we get our shit together as a species. There are, however, a few super pledges that have made it through the entire pledge process. Buddha didn’t mind the hazing so much, but Jesus and Gandhi had it pretty rough. They explain that you are the author of your own creation and that everything, including the Alien Fraternity itself, is a fabrication of your mind. They give you a bid, implant a tracking device in your brain, and give you a shot of space whiskey. Then they load you into a giant cannon, type in the coordinates of Earth, and fire you across the galaxy back into your body. Your eyes spring open and you are immediately sober. You realize that you are in the fetal position on the floor. You also realize that somebody took a big shit in your pants. You look at the clock and only 5 minutes have passed. DMT is a full throttle psychological gangbang that will permanently alter your life forever. If you don’t believe in aliens that are FaF… you will.

Marijuana, Mr. Wait… What?

I had a whole article about weed in my mind. It was pretty much the greatest thing I’ve ever thought of, but I forgot what it was. I guess I’ll just go make a sandwich and play Call of Duty.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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