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muscleholocaust (1)

Hey bitch boy. Are you tired of looking like a little bitch? Then stop training like a little bitch. Bitch.

The crappy supplements you’re taking now are pathetic. No wonder Kimberly left you. Your fucking twig arms are gross.

You need something to get you hyped. Something that will make you want to straight up punish your body. One drop of this shit, and you’ll be ready to abuse your abs, rape your rectus femori, ostracize your obliques, and put your biceps through years of systemic genocide.

You need MUSCLE HOLOCAUST. *deafening sound of multiple explosions*

Each batch of Muscle Holocaust contains only the freshest of testosterone culled from the nut sacks of bulls, bull sharks, and NFL players with proven histories of domestic abuse. We throw that shit in a bowl, sweat into the bowl, then add a dozen raw eggs, 75 grams of caffeine, and just a hint of pesto. Next, the mixture is worked into a fine paste with John Cena’s bare hands, dumped into a bottle, screamed at by a Navy SEAL drill instructor, and locked in a room to be shown brutal snuff films for several hours.

The resulting concoction is something so violent, you’ll be ready to fucking assault the weight room.

We fed this shit to a test subject in a controlled weight room environment. After just one cup, 28-year-old Dom Rodriguez improved his bench by 100 pounds. Then he stood in one place and screamed for like two hours and ejaculated on the floor. Now that’s what you call gains!

With Muscle Holocaust, getting big is so easy. All you have to do is drink a fuckton of Muscle Holocaust and follow the official Muscle Holocaust workout:

– 5 X 10 bench press
– 5 X 30 squats
– 5 X 30 screaming
– 7 X 15 leg press

*10 minute rest/sobbing period*

– 5 X 30 bench press
– 4 X 10 seizures
– 5 X 30 sit-ups
– 1 X 1 punch scrawny kid who looked at you funny

*Fill weight room with water*

– 5 laps freestyle
– 5 laps backstroke
– 5 laps butterfly

You’ll be so yoked after using Muscle Holocaust, you won’t even care that your cock and balls have retreated so far inside of your body that your package looks like a pink button sitting on a patch of brown shag carpet.

But don’t take my word for it. Just listen to these testimonials from some of our happy, shredded customers!

“Muscle Holocaust gave me the confidence I needed to win over the girls of my dreams. Can you please leave my home now?” – Kevin Johnson, age 42

“It’s great. I was a bitch before. But now I am a man.” – Bobby Johnson, age 8

“Please. I’ll say anything you want. Just leave my son alone. I’m begging you.” – Kevin Johnson, age 42

“Kevin, I’m scared.” – Becky Johnson, age 40

“I know, honey. I know. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US YOU SICK FREAK!?” – Kevin Johnson, deceased

Muscle Holocaust is available in three delicious flavors: gasoline, raw meat, and fresh strawberry.

To get your own bottle of Muscle Holocaust, go to the corner of 5th and Rosewood and locate a metal door behind the 7-11. Knock on it three times. You will be greeted by a man named Stavi (be careful, Stavi gets a little handsy sometimes). Tell Stavi you want a number 7.

What are you waiting for? Become the muscle-bound hulk you always dreamed of becoming and buy Muscle Holocaust today. Do it, pussy. You won’t.

DISCLAIMER: Stavi is not responsible for any of the following side-effects, which may include but are not limited to: nausea, heart burn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea, thoughts of suicide, thoughts of setting off on a murderous rampage, anal bleeding, AIDS, hiccups, chapped testicles, hair growth on palms, hair growth on eye balls, death.

Image via Shutterstock

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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