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True Life: I Accidentally Double-Tapped An Old Bikini Pic

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bikini pic

Everything I had built and accomplished in my narcissistic quest for Instagram dominance almost slipped away from me. Let this serve as a cautionary tale.

A very wise man once said social media is like sunglasses: it lets you creep on people without them knowing. Everyone with an IG account knows they’re being crept on, just not by who. That is unless you fuck up like I did. My story starts off simple and innocent enough: I was perusing some gorgeous brunette’s Instagram.

She wasn’t just any gorgeous brunette; she was the epitome of Italian excellence, putting the Roman gods to shame. I scrolled and scrolled through her feed, baffled at how I was able to look at a woman this beautiful without a paywall. Then, by some stroke of bad luck, my finger slipped and did the dreaded double tap on one of her pictures. Oh fuck.

At first, I thought that this couldn’t be that bad; she probably wouldn’t even notice. Then I looked at the timestamp and realized that the pic was from her family vacation to Aruba… from the summer of 2016. Yup, she was definitely going to notice. My cover was blown.

In a panic, I thought about possible next moves. “Should I commit the ancient samurai tradition of seppuku for bringing shame and dishonor to my family?” No, too dramatic. Instead, I decided to do the rational thing: I was going to delete my account, fake my own death, change my name, move to Canada, and begin a new life as a fisherman off the coast of Newfoundland.

Luckily when I was halfway through faking a passport for “Wayne McGretzky” (my adopted Canadian persona), I came to my senses. There was no question she was going to notice, but that was actually something that could work out for me. Instead of lurking in the dark corners of the internet like a coward, I was forced to step out of the shadows and man up. A blessing in disguise? The kick in the nuts I needed?

Yup, it was time for me to own up and prove myself. Fuck it — yeah, I liked your Insta pic from 1.5 years ago, and goddamn it I’m owning up to it. It was a digital way of marking my territory. I was looking through her pics and wasn’t the least damn bit afraid to admit it directly to her.

Sometimes you gotta take risks like that. Sometimes risks like that pay off. I’ll let you know if this one did if she ever responds to my multiple DMs.

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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