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Don’t Waste Your Time On A Perfect 10

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Guys, we think with our dicks. It’s time we all admit it and work through that, because you’ve never said “she has the best set of personality traits I’ve ever seen” and meant that as anything else than a euphemism for a set of tits. As a result of routing all our brain function in pursuit of a mate through our nether regions, we tend to see a girl who sets off all our biological banging alarms and engage like someone reverted to the late Cretaceous period.

This, while in our biological wiring, is also really fucking stupid. That perfect ten you see across the room is quickly going to top your list of dating mistakes.

“You soulless ginger fuck,” you exclaim while spilling your beer all over your laptop. “A girl being hot is one of the most important things about whether or not you’re interested!” I’m going to stop you right there, chief. How many times have you been plenty interested in the girl who doesn’t crack the top rankings because you were drunk and the alcohol had handed control of the helm over to Commander Frockington for the evening? I thought so. We’re all guilty of thinking with our dicks. I’m not even saying there’s shame in that. Occasionally, the bastard makes good decisions.

So, why is pursuing the ten a mistake? Because she’ll be the white whale to your Captain Ahab (though she will most certainly not be a literal whale). The greatest danger of the ten is that much of what you’re experiencing is a siren song. Soon you’ll be dashed upon the rocks and pissed off that you wasted your time or got your heart broken by the incredibly hot girl. I hate to jump into stereotypes here, but there are a lot of incredibly attractive but ultimately terrible people. Girls, as much as we sometimes disregard the other things, are much more than a nice set of tits and a body sculpted by a Renaissance artist. There are plenty of attractive girls out there who have a lot more going for them than looks, and looks don’t last forever, my friends. Just look at aging Hollywood stars. I mean, most of you probably would say no to Betty White today, because she’s, like, pushing 100 now. Back in the day, though, she was absolutely a ten. Biology basically stops giving a fuck about physical appearance after 40, so keep that in mind when you’re dating a girl who looks like a porn star but has the personality of an unsocialized harpy.

My grandfather gave me a great piece of advice one day when I was still young enough to think girls were icky. “Marry a racehorse, and you’ll get left at the starting gate,” he said. It was out of the blue, but I guess he could tell the apple hadn’t exactly fallen far from the family tree. He knew he needed to impart that knowledge before I swung for the fences and accidentally pumped a baby into Taylor Swift or something. Pop was not exactly one for pulling punches on life lessons.

So what’s my point? The ten, much like my grandfather advised, is, on average, a great girl to have fun with. Hell, you might even meet one who has an IQ off the charts and a full ride to med school. If you find that one, keep her around, because she’ll help you take over the world one day. If not, don’t just stick with a girl because she takes your flagpole to full staff so fast it generates a sonic boom audible on the International Space Station. More often than not, in my experience, these girls live in a bubble where they’ve gotten everything they want because they’re very attractive. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing for them, because being resourceful is always a good trait to have, but they’re the kind of girls who always shop around for the next best thing. If you aren’t the absolute best thing, that puts you under a lot of pressure and sets up a relationship with all the stability of a keg of nitroglycerin being cared for by Jack Nicholson’s character in “The Shining.”

My advice, after a long line of crazy girlfriends and bad relationships, is to go for someone you like for a lot more than her ability to make you cream your pants simply by looking at you the right way. If you want to take college to date girls like that, be my guest. It’s absolutely the time to do it. The economics of boning are in a bull market cycle, if you will. If you’re looking for future wife material, consider some input from your brain (the one you study with) and don’t put yourself in a situation where it’s just going to be a lot of drama, heartache, and threats to your long-term sanity.

Don’t tie yourself down to a ten or a two. Find someone who genuinely makes you happy and enjoy the hell out of it. That’s how you stay out of divorce court, my friends.

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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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