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Don’t Shame Me For Taking A Shit At A Party

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I was at a party not too long ago where I had to take a really big dump. If Donald Trump were describing it, he would do that thing where he touches the tips of his thumb and index finger together, waves his hand around, and proclaims “It’s yuuuuuuuuge!” If my ass was the Enola Gay, then the commode I was about to punish with my fecal Little Boy was Hiroshima.

Needless to say, this shit was urgent. I politely excused myself from the group of people I was conversing with (“Yo I gotta pinch a loaf, be right back”) to make my way to the john and answer nature’s call. But when I came back out from dropping the kids off at the pool, I could sense everyone judging me for what I had just done. I knew exactly what they were thinking as their looks burned through me like the hot wing-induced turds I just pushed out of my body burned through my asshole. “Ew. He didn’t just do what I think he did, did he? That’s gross.” Suddenly, I had become persona non grata at the party. I was the victim of an injustice that pervades parties all across America: Shit shaming.

I was shamed for doing nothing more than going through with a completely normal bodily function. It wasn’t the first time it happened, and it won’t be the last unless a movement comes along to put an end to it. Not to say I’m a serial party pooper, but shit happens sometimes when I eat fast food and drink cheap beer all day, as I am wont to do on weekends. Occasionally, this shit happens at inopportune times, such as when I’m at a party or bar, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I mean, I could probably not eat like crap on the weekends, but this isn’t the time to shame me into eating healthy. Let’s keep it to one aspect of body shaming at a time here, people.

Sadly, there are scores of young men and women (Yes, women too — everybody poops, after all) like me across the country who don’t feel comfortable dropping a deuce at parties because society deems it “rude” or “disgusting.” But why? Because it might make your bathroom smell bad? Sorry, but that’s a risk you run when you host your party in a domicile that has running fucking water. I graciously refrained from upper decking your toilet, what more could you possibly ask for? If you’re so worried about a little odor in your bathroom, either buy some Glade or get rid of it completely and dig a latrine out back.

The experience in bars and restaurants is even worse, since those bathrooms are a real-time communal shaming experience. When everyone sees you go into a stall, they know shit is about to go down and want you to feel uncomfortable about it. “What’s he doing in there? Where does he think he is???” Uh, I think I’m in a bathroom, dude. Just doing normal bathroom stuff. I thought this was a safe space for that sort of thing, yet here I am getting mocked mercilessly. At least I courtesy flush like a civilized person. Besides, have you seen some of these nasty-ass bathroom stalls in bars? I deserve a Medal of Honor for even setting foot in one, much less dropping trou and exposing myself to whatever diseases may reside on those seats.

No one should have to live in shame for the things their body does. If it so happens that the need to go through with one of those bodily functions occurs at a social function, then I shouldn’t have to fear being subjected to mockery or derision from my peers whose bowels are simply on a different schedule than mine. It’d be one thing if I was cropdusting every room I walked into, but I’m going to a separate, closed-off space designed explicitly for the purpose of relieving myself.

Maybe some of you shamers would change your attitudes if you’d go honk out a dirt snake at a party one time. It’s nice to take a few minutes to sit on the throne, gather your thoughts, scroll through Twitter, and center yourself as you take a break from the party. If you’re in there long enough, you even can pull the underrated power move of yelling at the people knocking at the bathroom door that you’re busy and they’ll have to wait. So long as you’re on the throne, you’re in control. Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it, and don’t shame the rest of us for doing so.

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