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Don’t Do Weird Drugs

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Don’t do weird drugs. Just don’t. One minute you’re turning up at the club with your sketchy group of friends and the next you’re half-conscious, missing two fingers, and strapped down to a gurney with one of those Hannibal Lecter masks and no recollection of how you got there.

I’m not here to advocate “normal” drugs by any means, but I feel okay saying that if you are inclined to alter your mind via narcotic — nothing I say will deter you anyway — stick to pot. Maybe even dabble in cocaine if you’re the upper type.

As a general rule of thumb, if a drug occurs naturally, put it on your “hmm, yeah okay maybe” list. Marijuana and coca plants can be found in nature, so they’re, I guess, on the okay side. Cocaine is a sort of gray area, though. Coca plants are found in nature but chemicals are used to turn them into a paste, and from paste into a powder. There are no LSD or flakka plants growing in your neighbor’s yard, though, so let’s categorize cocaine as more on the natural end of the drug spectrum than the fabricated one.

I’m not comfortable supporting the use of natural hallucinogens like psychedelic mushrooms, even though they’re in this category, but then again I’ve never heard of anyone sawing an arm off or diving head first into pavement after taking shrooms. So maybe they’re alright?

But when beakers and Bunsen burners and Erlenmeyer flasks and household cleaning products and weird medicines you have to show an ID to purchase come out, and your drug of choice comes from a makeshift science classroom as opposed to rural Colombia, it’s the reddest of flags.

Your drugs shouldn’t have to be “cooked,” and shouldn’t come from a lab. They should be discovered instead. It shouldn’t contain liquids your mom keeps under the sink. These drugs go on your Do Not Fuck With list, and you should not, under any circumstance, fuck with them.

Take drugs that you could buy behind the portables in high school, not ones that require a needle to ingest. Take drugs that would get you grounded for a month if you were still living at home and your parents found them hidden in your bedroom, not ones that get you real time in the clink for simply carrying them. Take drugs that give you the munchies and maybe a temporary case of anxiety, not ones that grant you superhuman strength and cause you to self mutilate.

Take drugs that make you temporarily enjoy life a little more, not ones that cause you to sprint out of an Applebee’s during dinner with your parents to find a nice couple hanging out in their garage only to stab and beat them to death before literally eating one of their faces off.

Austin Harrouff, the 19-year-old FSU student who took some weird, unidentified drug and ate the face of the man he had just killed, had also temporarily become superhuman, according to CBS 12.

The Sheriff said “somebody not feeling pain, not responding to a dog bite, repeated stuns from a Taser, taking three to four deputies and officer dog to get him off. That’s somebody with a lot more strength than you would normally encounter.”

Sheriff Synder said Harrouff was ‘grunting and growling,’ and ‘making animal noises.’

So the last I heard was this kid is in the ICU clinging to life because of whatever it was that he took. The weird drug almost killed him, but either way, his life is essentially over. If and when he wakes up in his hospital bed, he’ll wonder why he’s strapped to it and the last few weeks or months are missing from his memory.

Someone will have to fill him in and explain that, while he was unconscious, he murdered an innocent couple and ate a man’s face while grunting and howling like a wild animal. Oh and “I’m sorry but you’ll be in prison for the rest of your life.”

So it looks like Harrouff was probably on the drug Flakka, also referred to as the “zombie drug,” which sounds super fucking enjoyable. I guess you take it to feel dead and feed on humans or some shit? Anyway, below is how Wikipedia describes it. Flakka is the street term for alpha-Pyrrolidinopentiophenone.

alpha-Pyrrolidinopentiophenone – is a synthetic stimulant of the cathinone class developed in the 1960s that has been sold as a designer drug.[1] Colloquially it is sometimes called flakka or gravel. α-PVP is chemically related to pyrovalerone and is the ketone analog of prolintane.

“Synthetic” is never how you want your drug of choice to be described. Throw in some scientific terminology and nope.

Drugs aren’t very cool, guys, especially ones that make you think it’s totally normal to twist off your dick and hand it to someone like they asked to borrow a pencil. Stay away from the weird ones.

Image via Shutterstock

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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