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Everyone loves strip clubs. It’s damn near impossible not to. Strip clubs have all my favorite things: loud music, tits, syphilis, and stretch marks. As soon as you walk in you can smell the dirty snatches and daddy issues. It’s like Disneyland but darker and AC/DC is playing.
If you’re new to strip clubs, though, you have to make sure you know the protocol. You don’t want to fuck up and violate any of the sacred titty bar rules and regulations. Here’s your guide for things you shouldn’t do at strip clubs. Treat this as gospel.
Don’t take pictures or videos.
This is a place of business. Don’t violate their privacy. If they wanted to end up naked on the internet they’d answer ads on Craigslist. If you need something to shave your carrot to later, you don’t need a picture of a stripper you saw; just watch videos of lesbian porn or the time someone threw a shoe at George W. Bush’s head.
Don’t try to fuck the strippers.
If a lovely lady is giving you a lap dance, don’t try to venture your dirty fingers into her glove compartment. That’s disgusting. If you even consider whipping your one eyed worm out for a nanosecond, the bouncer will kick your creepy ass out.
Don’t ejaculate in your pants.
Cumming in your pants in public is considered good manners in Alabama, but everywhere else it’s rude and disgusting. If you’re getting a lap dance, don’t get TOO excited. Think about Jared Leto’s terrible performance in Suicide Squad to keep your yourself from busting a nut.
Don’t order chocolate milk at the bar.
I know it sounds like an amazing plan in theory, but they’ll look at you weirdly. I don’t know why, but it’s generally considered odd. It’s unfair but it is what it is. This is a travesty, I know.
Don’t walk up to the DJ and request My Chemical Romance.
MCR is awesome. Obviously. They bring us back to our emo middle school days. Great mid-2000s nostalgia. But this is not the time or place. Watching a bunch nude chicks grind against an infected pole to songs about cutting yourself and shooting all your classmates is a huge buzzkill.
Don’t try to shove a bowling pin up the bouncer’s ass.
I know it’s tempting, but you gotta fight the urge. Even if you get in a huge fight with the bouncer, don’t cross that line. Be the bigger man. Have you ever had a bowling pin lodged in your asshole? I have. Eight times. And it’s pretty goddamn painful.
Don’t force a stripper to watch a Rob Schneider movie with you.
She doesn’t care how much you’ll tip her; the last thing on earth this bitch wants to do is to be chained down in an office chair and forced to watch a DVD of Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. I know it’s your number one sexual fantasy, but now isn’t the time. Wait until marriage.
Don’t follow most of this advice.
Or do. I don’t know. I’ve never been to a strip club..
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