Enough is enough — it’s time to settle this like men. This coming spring, get ready for the fight of the century.
Every day, our country inches closer and closer to the first nuclear war to be started on Twitter. To heavily paraphrase Drake, it’s only a matter of time before Twitter fingers turn into trigger fingers. Trump and Kim Jong-un have been in a dick-measuring contest for a while now, constantly threatening to bomb the crap out of each other. Recently, North Korea has interpreted some of 45s comments as a full-blown declaration of war. But talk is cheap. Let’s bring this into the ring.
You really think we’re gonna let a war break out? Not on my watch. We’re gonna use this as an opportunity to promote the hugest event in the history of sports.
That’s right. It’s high time Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un put on their boxing gloves and settle this with 12 three-minute rounds. Don’t even try to pretend we have any other options. It’s the only way. And it’s gonna be epic.
Sure, they’re both a little pudgy, but that’s nothing a few months of training can’t fix. Some of the best boxing trainers in the world will whip them into shape. They’ll both have 6-pack abs come fight time and it will be deeply disturbing to look at. And yes, while Kim has a “very unfair!” 40-year age advantage, there’s nothing we can do about it. Sad!
April 2018 at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, brought to you by Mayweather Promotions. Half of the proceeds from its massive financial success will go towards building a wall around Floyd to keep him away from his ex-girlfriends (Floyd WILL pay for the wall, believe me).
It will be on PPV, and it’s gonna be pretty damn expensive. Don’t act like you wouldn’t spend big money to watch this brawl, though. Any real American would shell out their life savings for it. I’ll say right now that it’s probably going to cost upwards of $100,000, and that’s only for standard definition. For the HD version, you’ll have to give something like $500,000, your car, and your firstborn son.
But it’s gonna be worth the price. Will there a knockout? It’s possible; Trump has a phenomenal right hook, but Kim is a very effective counter-puncher. Kim may also take advantage of his younger age and box defensively for 12 rounds. I predict that the judges will declare Kim the winner, but the electoral judges will declare Donald the winner.
This is all just speculation, though. Want to find out the reality of it all? Someone go locate Don King’s dusty ass — he can draw up a contract and make these dudes sign on the dotted line as soon as possible. Then all that’s left is to get your popcorn ready, stock your fridge with beers, and schedule a watch party with the crew.
Donald vs. Kim will save boxing, as well as the world. Let’s make this happen..
Base image via Shutterstock