There were a lot of people who probably jumped ship at the title; alphas don’t want some bitch boy telling them to be nice to their girlfriend, after all. But if you stick around, you’ll realize that this story is not what you think. You see, being forced into doing my spiteful then-girlfriend’s homework was the single greatest experience I had in our rocky eight months together. Let me explain.
Rewind to sophomore year. I was dating a large-chested coed with an even bigger personality. It was around that time in the semester — post-spring break — where there isn’t enough Adderall in the world that can help you keep up with all the projects that are due. Me, being the slacker business major that I am, honestly didn’t have a lot going on. My girlfriend, on the other hand, was (or at least she said she was) swamped with all kinds of work, so she asked (told) me to write a paper for her. Being the generous dude (and kind of a pussy) that I am, I obliged.
The task? To write a short essay for some bullshit social welfare class. Immediately, I Jimmy Neutroned my way to a topic. This was in the months following Ray Rice KOing his girl in that elevator, so, following this storyline, I proceeded to reel off 700 words of gold about that incident and the state of domestic violence in America. It was swiftly submitted within an hour.
My lady was thankful, but also kept passive aggressively reiterating that if she got a bad grade, it would be all my fault. She then proceeded to go off on a tangent about how I probably did a shitty job and she knew she should’ve done it herself. A major meltdown ensued. Total crazy chick move: I do this girl’s homework, and then she threatens me that it better be good. Very fucked up, but, like many red flags in that relationship, I ignored it. Only one thing is important to a 19-year-old dude — titties — and she had some, so I was willing to let anything go.
A few days go by and she gets the good news: the paper got an A. She’s thankful, but I still feel like I’m not getting enough credit, especially after the episode that she had. I take time out of my day to complete your homework and you can’t even take two seconds to acknowledge it? It was A+ work! I’m not saying I deserve to bang my drum on your tonsils, but at least a “thank you” would be courteous.
Some more days scroll past; by this time, it has been about two weeks since my submission. I had settled back into my miserable relationship, forgetting that I had ever done the favor, when my girlfriend gets an email from her professor.
It read as follows:
I am compiling student work to be placed in a national trade journal on social problems and relationships.
Your essay on the state of domestic violence in America was professional and thought-provoking. I would like to have it published.
Would this be alright with you?
Sweet, sweet, vindication. You could feel the power shift in the room. My work? Publishable? The very work that this girl had made such a gripe about?
Like a statue, she was frozen. I took a moment to revel in her silence before accepting my award.
“Well, babe, we’re getting published,” I quipped. “Isn’t this exciting?”
She was panicking…
“This isn’t funny. What if someone finds out that you did it for me? We could get expelled… Oh no this is horrible!”
Oh man; this was perfect. Finally, something that I can vindictively hold against her. In her panicked state, she wasn’t sure what to do.
“Maybe I should email back and say that I’m not comfortable with my work being published.”
I oh-so-rationally pointed out that it would look more suspicious to do that than to just accept the invitation, so we went through with it. To this day, there is an article in some scholarly journal on some nerd professor’s bookshelf penned by me but officially authored by my spiteful ex-girlfriend.
That would prove to be my trump card for the brief remainder of that relationship. Any time there was a fight, I would just remind my lovely partner in crime about the time she was complicit in publishing plagiarism. Furthermore, I would reaffirm to her just how much of a genius I am because, if we’re keeping score — and I always do — only one of us had written the published scholarly work.
And that, folks, is how doing my girlfriend’s homework turned out to be the greatest thing to happen in our relationship. I highly recommend trying this with your significant other (if she’s an enraged psycho). Your girl is so used to seeing you passed out and braindead from day drinking that she probably forgets that, for the most part, you’re actually a pretty intelligent dude. If you can get a better grade than she ever would, that’s sweet enough. But if you somehow luck into the glorious fate that I did — and get work published under her name — relish in that shit. Faculty, her parents, and everyone else will think she did this great job that was really you, and she will despise you for it.
That experience taught me one of the most important lessons I have learned in life: Karma is indeed a bitch, and that bitch is on my side. I’ve probably rambled on too long, but this is an important PSA that needed to be shared. If you have a girlfriend who makes you miserable, then do her homework. It will help..