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I got circumcised when I was eight days old, and afterwards I couldn’t walk for a year. But since then, I’ve had nothing but amazing things to say about the tip of my schmekel. I love my penis, simply for the fact that it doesn’t look like an anteater’s snout. It’s got a face; it’s got a personality. But apparently doctors in Denmark want to stop circumcisions for anybody under the age of eighteen, because doctors in Denmark don’t think clearly.
Boys should not be circumcised until they are old enough to choose for themselves, doctors in Denmark have said.
The Danish Medical Association said it had considered suggesting a legal ban on the procedure for children under the age of 18, because it believed circumcision should be “an informed, personal choice” that young men make for themselves.
When parents have their sons circumcised, it robs boys of the ability to make decisions about their own bodies, and choose their cultural and religious beliefs for themselves, the organisation said.
Let’s put aside the fact that this is completely spitting in the face of Jewish and Muslim religious practices by assuming circumcision would still be legal for religious reasons. Even in that case, Danish doctors have gone completely Mad Cow Disease crazy. Imagine being a Dane, not knowing about circumcision, and then strolling into a locker room in the US of A during a college study abroad program. You’d be mortified! All your American pals would have pretty hangdowns and there you are, dick looking like that space slug asteroid cave monster in The Empire Strikes Back.
You know how, growing up, your parents would tell you to do stuff and you’d bitch and whine and say “why?” and they would say “’cuz I said so; I’m your mother and I know best?” That old song and dance? Well, as I
mature age into adulthood, I’ve realized that parents were right about EVERYTHING. If Danish parents want their kids to visit the mohel as an infant, that should be their right to choose for their kid, because they know best.
We see all the time parents electing to pierce their little daughters’ ears, because if you’re not rocking diamond studs in kindergarten you’ll never make friends with the Regina George of the sandboxes. We see parents choose where their kids go to pre-school, because they’ll grow up into serial killers if they’re taught their ABCs by the wrong person. We see parents who basically hand-pick their kid’s diet of Cheerios and what looks like bird vomit to make sure their baby stays lean and #fitfam. Makes no sense that parents can’t be the ones to decide to do a little snip to the tip. I mean, for fuck’s sake, can you imagine having to be circumcised as a teenager? That shit sounds awful. Infinity times better when you’re an infant and can’t feel anything (or at least can’t remember feeling anything).
If any Danish officials are reading, you don’t have to listen to me, but you DO have to listen to Elaine Benes.
Image via Shutterstock