If you’ve decided that you stopped caring about appeasing every last minority group long ago, you might want to listen to what I’m about to say. I’m going to attempt to list off the most offensive party themes that have ever been conceived. What follows are parties that would make Donald Trump himself ask to tone things down, and surely ruin any professional aspirations of anyone dumb enough to host them.
Trail of Beers
This party is all about the location. Specifically, a location that you don’t own. What you need to do is go around town and scout out a nice house that isn’t yours. Then, forcibly remove whomever lives there and claim the property as your own. Provide peyote to the guests, and prepare for a fucked up spiritual journey.
Slaves and Masters
Hand everyone a “slave” or “master” card as they walk in. Have the masters all hang out on the top floor, sipping on champagne and cognac. The slaves, meanwhile, must drink moonshine in the basement. The middle floor is an underground railroad of sorts. If a slave comes up to the middle floor and completes the “12 beers a slave” challenge, they are allowed to head up to the top.
Fast and Furious
Exclusively serve your guests Paul Walkers (Irish car bomb and Fireball), and enjoy the ride. If you drink enough, your vision will be as bad as the CGI near the end of the most recent film.
Oy vey, this one’s offensive. Make sure you have plenty of matzoh balls to soak up all the alcohol so that you aren’t getting up on a stand and speaking gibberish. As for the alcohol, don’t be “cheap” about it. Buy some good stuff.
War on Terror
Start this one off by serving shots of Steel Reserve, Jim Beam, and jet fuel. Have a few designated guests dress as terrorists, running around and surprising people with bomb shots. Make sure this party drags on for way longer than it needs to.
This is your standard country club themed party, but you can only invite the very worst women you know.
Priests and Choir Boys
You’ll go to Hell for throwing this, and I for writing it. If you’re not feeling religious, you could go for the similar, yet equally horrific, Bill Cosby theme. Uh-oh, that jello puddin’ has a secret ingredient.
I have a theory regarding these: Perhaps, if people start to throw parties that actually give people something to complain about, SJWs will eventually be desensitized to the harmless parties they constantly accuse of being offensive. Actually, probably not. Forget I said anything..