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This is a very special edition of DO’s and DON’Ts. I know it seems like I only rag on the guys, but I only do what has to be done. Today, I turn to our female counterparts. Women are amazing and I would never say otherwise. Could I bake a cookie that looked identical to the Vineyard Vines whale? Not a fucking chance. However, despite their affinity for attention to detail in making their men happy, women do tend to piss us off from time to time. So, without further ado, I give you the equal opportunity portion of DO’s and DON’Ts, because it’s about time they got some fair treatment. You’re welcome feminists.
Don’t: Try to keep up
If there is one thing I couldn’t care less about, it’s how much a woman can drink. Every time I’m at a social, date function, or on a road trip, there is always one girl who is trying to prove how much she can drink, and I really don’t understand why. So you can shotgun a beer huh? Super. Oh, you just took 10 shots in 15 minutes? Wonderful. Now the rest of the party gets to deal with the bumbling mess that is your shitfaced, moronic self. Maybe it’s just me, but when you become the girl who is far and beyond the most inebriated, and it is clearly visible, it gets old. Fast. There is nothing less appealing than a girl falling over drunk. Kobe Bryant might be into it, but I certainly don’t care how much you drink, just have a good time and stay classy.
Don’t: Fish for compliments
Confidence is a two way street when it comes to men and women. When a person is confident, they don’t need to be constantly reassured that every choice they make is correct. It’s one thing to ask if you look nice, but it’s another to continuously question if we really meant it when we say yes. We did. Another thing that puzzles me is when you decide to bring up all of your flaws hoping that someone will instantly tell you how wrong you are. For a group of people that don’t like to be told when they are wrong, that seems a little ass-backwards in my book. The point is, when you keep bringing up things you don’t like about yourself, you are only going to accomplish one of two things. We are either going to think you are out of your mind, or we are actually going to start considering the things you have brought up. That’s a lose-lose. We love women, but we love women who don’t whine even more. Keep that in mind next time you bitch about how ugly you look in a picture when you clearly look fine.
I know this will never actually happen, but I feel like someone has to say it. Stop cock-blocking. I love having a conversation with a woman long enough to start hitting it off only to be blindsided by her cave-troll “BFF” who wants to leave. Ladies, you can be the most enigmatic of beauties, but as soon as you start blocking you have instant cave-troll status from there on out. Everyone dislikes this girl. She texts all night, she has a boyfriend, she’s always tired, and she will let you know exactly how bored she is because she ALWAYS WANTS TO GO HOME. It could be 10:00pm on a Friday night, but the cock-blocker will still find a reason why she needs to leave. “I have an exam tomorrow.” Bitch, tomorrow is Saturday. All I really want is for you cock-blockers to cut the shit. Say that you are cock-blocking and be done with it. Wear a special shirt that identifies you as a CB. Whatever it is, just CUT THE SHIT.
Do: …not ask why these are all don’ts.
Girls, at the end of the day you know the fraternity world will always going to consider your happiness a top priority. You know what you are doing right, and I don’t think I’m really in the position to say what you could be doing better. I see things that bother me from time to time, but those things are minor compared to the ways you make our lives better. All I ask is that you take some of the things that have been said here today into consideration. And don’t forget to tell me what pisses you off for next week’s column on Twitter @TheDapperDipper.