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Diet Coke And Coke Zero Are Far Better Mixers Than Regular Coke Don’t @ Me

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coke zero coca-cola better alcohol mixer

I’ve formally requested not to be @ed, so I pray you all respect my plea.

You hear it at the bars all the time. “Whiskey Coke, please.” “Rum and Coke, please.” “Vodka Coke, m’lady *tips fedora*” (if you’re an absolute pedant who got a taste for this pedestrian concoction in the dorms and couldn’t shake the thirst).

Hey, guess what? Everyone you’ve ever heard willingly order any drink with Coke in it? They’re a more massive dumbass than anyone who believes Donnell Pumphrey has more rushing yards than Ron Dayne. They’re uncultured trash. The human equivalent of a dirty pig rolling around in its own filth — thus making its own filth even filthier — then eating said filthy filth.

I’ve felt this way for years, but seeing the below video is what prompted me to pen this diatribe.

Look at all that sugar in one can of coke! I’m not going to mention the empty cals out of fear of the revocation of my newly-acquired Man Card (I just got approved for it last week after making a very correct and very topical MMA joke in casual conversation), but I don’t even need to. Coke is pure sugar. It’s gut rot in a can. It’s a death sentence for your stomach. Three Coke drinks and you’ll be more doubled over than anyone who faces noted 5-time MMA lightweight champion Dick Kicker Jones in the octagon. Don’t fact check that last part, please. I need this Man Card or my girlfriend will leave me.

I can’t think of a single benefit to choosing regular Coke over Diet Coke or Coke Zero. Once the alcohol’s poured in, it all tastes the same. And if it doesn’t? Your drink isn’t strong enough. If you’re drinking a mixed drink for the taste of the mixer, your priorities are less in line than famed 2-time Champion of the MMA world Not-In-Line McGillicuddy (Shhh…). The point of a mixer is to dilute your alcohol of choice enough to where it’s at peak palatability and you can drink as much of it as possible. When you use Coke over Diet Coke and Coke Zero, you’re essentially telling the world that intense stomach pain is more important to you than the ability to down drinks throughout the night. Do you know what we call people who value intense stomach pain over the ability to drink alcohol? Pregnant women. And if you’re a pregnant woman, you’re not a man, like me. Who has a man card he deserves.

Don’t @ me.

Image via Shutterstock

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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