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Hey, asshole! Yeah, you, the one who’s interrupting peaceful dinnertime with your family or your nephew’s softball game with nonsensical warbles about how Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Here are some words for you: shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear your shit, and, to be frank with you, you’ve become a burden on everyone you know and love. Die Hard is not — I repeat — NOT a Christmas movie, and if you think it is, you are the son of Hitler.
But, now that I’ve got you here, allow me to make my case for why Die Hard 2 is the definitive Christmas movie of the Die Hard franchise.
What’s this? I haven’t even started to defend my take yet, and I can tell that you’re already squirming about all uncomfortable-like. Well, you sit the fuck down, and you read what I have to say. This is my time!
First off, Die Hard 2 takes place on Christmas Eve.
“Hey, excuse me, mister, but Die Hard also takes place on Christmas Eve,” you say.
Well, excuse me, you goddamn idiot, but maybe try not interrupting me and letting me finish. What I was going to say is that everyone knows that Christmas movies are always sequels. It’s why National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation came AFTER Vacation. It’s why A Muppet Christmas Carol came AFTER The Muppet Movie. It’s why A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas came AFTER Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.
Why? Because Christmas is about giving and putting others before yourself, which is the literal definition of a sequel, you dumdum. Jesus, take a film class one time.
Still not convinced that Die Hard 2 is a Christmas movie? Most people would have been by the second paragraph, but you’re clearly slow, so we’ll take baby steps.
Just feast your eyes on this gem, a deleted scene from Die Hard 2 in which some clearly Christmas-y AF children are singing the fuck out of “Carol of the Bells.”
The only reason this scene was deleted from the original version is (probably) because the director felt he was being a little too heavy-handed with the Christmas theme given the snowmobile chase scene and the final fight in the snow. Sure, they were going for Christmas here, but the world didn’t need another cliché It’s A Wonderful Life reboot.
Honestly, I could make another 50 points about how Die Hard 2 is a Christmas movie, but I think I’ve laid out my thesis pretty plainly here. And if you don’t like it, then you can go back to living in your fairy tale fantasy land where Die Hard is still a Christmas movie and everyone you’ve ever met doesn’t secretly want to punch you right in the mouth..
Image via Wikimedia Commons