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Diary of an Oblivious New House Mom

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January 4th, 2012

Dear Diary,

I got some fantabulous news today! I was not only approved to be the house mother of the biggest fraternity at my Alma Mater in the fall, but the board of governors decided to let me take over early this spring! I guess the previous house dad couldn’t quite cut it when it came to keeping those rascals in line. Apparently he also couldn’t help but overstep some boundaries with some of the lady guests, but I’m not one to gossip… LOL… JAY KAY. You know I love it. All I heard was something about a statue story and the girl’s parents getting really upset. That must have been one doozy of a story he told that girl! Anywho, I’m sure that all those rambunctious young men just need a strong female influence in their lives since they haven’t been around their mothers in Lord knows how long. If anyone knows how to nurture and raise a proper gentleman like a second mother, it’s me, diary. But of course you know that! I can’t wait to start the semester and tell you all about it.

January 23rd, 2012

Dear Diary,

Well, I guess I shouldn’t have been taken so off guard when I first moved into the house. But quite frankly, I was a little perturbed about the conditions my boys were living in! I inspected all of the rooms and, to be honest, had to show them a thing or two about cleaning. One of the younger brothers must not have had a trash can because he had to leave all of his old liquor bottles on a shelf… I’m pretty sure he isn’t even 21, but I’ll look the other way this time. Fortunately for him, I took the liberty of freeing up some space on that shelf for books and other sorts of academic items. Plus I recycled all of that glass, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled. I later inspected another room, and to my delight I learned we have an aspiring chef in the house! Although his room was quite messy, he told me he hadn’t gotten around to cleaning because he had been baking all day! The little charmer said he was really good at making brownies and other sorts of sweets, so I decided to tidy up his room when he went out that night so that he could focus more on his hobby. Although he might be a lady-killer with his culinary enthusiasm, I think he might not know a thing about baking after-all. There was oregano all over the table where he kept his brownies! Isn’t that hilarious, diary, oregano in BROWNIES?! Those brownies were probably going to taste awful. So, being the great house mom I am, I swept up all the remaining spices and left him one of my cookbooks so he could learn a thing or two. Plus I dumped all of those ugly brownies and swapped them with some of my own. I’m sure he’ll feel great thinking he did a good job. But that’s our little secret, OTAY? I’m really making a difference aren’t I?

January 30th, 2012

Dear Diary,

The boys have really cleaned up their act and took to cleaning up the house as well this week for rush! I couldn’t be happier to see all my little troopers mopping and sweeping. The whole house looks immaculate and I’m sure they are finally into their usual cleaning routine now that they have had a few weeks back from break. I knew there was NO WAY they could have possibly lived in a place that looked like such a pig-sty all semester long. I’m so excited to meet all the lovely young men that they welcome into the house with this new pledge class. More babies for me!!! Such a nice thought since I have none of my own… siggggghhhhh. But never mind that melancholy, diary, I have a big loving family now and I’m sure the older brothers and myself will be the best at showing these fresh faces even more love! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LUHHHHVE! I’m sooooooo excited!

February 28th, 2012

Dear Diary,

Although I was hoping I could help out with some of the team building exercises for the new pledge class, the president informed me that some of them are very secret. =(. These boys don’t even know how much secrets tempt me, and I was going to sneak out of my room to watch, but GET THIS; the entire executive board went out of their way to book me a hotel room for the night! I guess the activities go on for a while and they didn’t want to keep me from my “beauty sleep.” Such Casanovas… I guess I can’t be too upset if my boys take care of me so much, this hotel is so nice even if it’s on the other side of town! UT-OH… guess who forgot their phone charger, diary? Hee hee, I’m going to run back and take a peek! I’ll tell you more tomorrow.

February 29th, 2012

What the hell was that?! Good Lord, I’ve never even… I don’t know what I just… Diary, have you ever seen Full Metal Jacket? An ex of mine made me watch it once, and what I just walked in on at the house was almost exactly like the first 15 minutes. I could not believe what they were doing to those poor pledges! Yelling and screaming at the top of their lungs, shining flashlights in their faces and making them do weird half-pushups on their elbows! It was so sad. One of the older brothers saw me and assured me it was all a game, but I don’t know, he hurried me out pretty fast. Then again, I did see a kiddy pool and a lot of beer in the empty chapter room so I guess I was just there too early. Either way, the boys’ biggest party of the year is in a few weeks, so I’m sure I’ll have a good time and put this behind me.

March 10th, 2012

Dear Diary,

The boys are all really excited about this party tonight, and I happen to feel the same! They have put quite a lot into planning the whole event, and I couldn’t be more impressed. Waterfalls from the windows into a big hand dug pool, a giant wooden boat for a band to play on, even a big volcano with little rooms for the brothers to hang out in… although I’m not quite sure why they just have mattresses for seating and curtains to separate them. But, to see all the boys and even the pledges… who have been really quiet and awfully jumpy lately…working so hard makes me once again proud to have this job as house mother. Maybe I’ll have a few cocktails and get a little crazy! The boys will love that. Haha, but only a few, I wouldn’t want to promote excessive drinking around such impressionable boys.

March 11th, 2012

I QUIT, DIARY, I CAN’T HANDLE THIS. After having my first drink I danced with one of the larger brothers because he wasn’t talking to any girls and he MADE A PASS AT ME!! The little shit grabbed my bosom and whispered something in my ear about BANGING HIS MOM! That’s fraternal INCEST! I ran to find the president in the volcano and I drew back the curtain and… and well I can’t even describe what I saw because the smell of vomit and ejaculate that came from the room was so overwhelming it was blinding. I ran out of the house crying and never went back. These are not sweet little boys, they are animals. I turned in my letter of resignation today; I think that house dad is off of his fucking probation so THAT PERVERT CAN HAVE THEM! I’m going to write an angry letter to their alumni advisor, I’m sure HE’LL do something!

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Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator. Co-Host of the Inside TFM Podcast.

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