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Diagnosing Your Drunken Injuries

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Waking up after a long night out can be an alarming experience for a variety of reasons. Aside from the crippling hangover and overpowering cotton mouth you are experiencing, you immediately notice some pain that can’t be ignored, or diagnosed. Having no recollection of what could have caused this, you attempt to perform a quick assessment of your current condition and how it came to be. Besides the fact that you are completely unqualified to give yourself a medical examination, what caused the damages to your body are completely unknown. Let’s break down some common late night injuries, so you can better understand why you feel like a bag of bricks when the sun comes up.

Injury: Excessively Sore Lower Back

Diagnosis: After an outrageous night out, you feel as if a titanium rod was inserted into your lower spine. The pre-game started early and your overly confident dance moves got the best of you. With absolutely no hesitation, you dropped it low and moved your hips like a seasoned vet. Nothing was stopping you that night, you pulled out moves you haven’t done in years, and the crowd loved it. Your mediocre gym regimen and complete lack of flexibility weren’t ready for this sort of action. But you didn’t care because the night was yours, and you crushed it.

Recovery: 2-4 days
Treatment: 600mg Advil, twice daily

Injury: Bronze Knees

Diagnosis: Following a heavy dosage of booze and stimulants, you likely traveled a long distance on foot. When the crew decided to spearhead the journey together, Uber was eliminated as a possible method of transportation. As your drink count skyrocketed, your legs turned into cement pillars. Every step you took across the concrete jungle was a substantial blow to your whiskey-filled kneecaps, and ultimately, the distance traveled was too much for your deteriorating body.

Recovery: 3-7 days
Treatment: Excedrin – Extra Strength 500mg, 3-4x daily, beer 3x daily (joint lube)

Injury: Rubber Tailbone / Ass Cheeks

Diagnosis: My favorite. Who would have guessed that your ass would be as tender as those chicken breasts you left out all night? Welp, here we are. You got a late start on the drinking and had to catch up with everybody else. Feeling pretty good, you throw on your favorite outfit and start hammering down the drinks. Quicker than you expected, you happen to realize you are completely obliterated. In an effort to match your friends’ level of intoxication, you completely abuse your body in the fastest way possible. Having an uncanny ability to recognize the resources around you, capitalizing on quick consumption has become an easy task. As you press on, this night has gone south on you. Stumbling like a homeless person, it was only a matter of time before you took a big tumble. You fall backwards and land directly on your ass, proceeding to starfish on the ground.

Recovery: 6-10 days

Treatment: Vicodin 400mg, prescription strength cough syrup, vodka

Injury: Clogged Arteries / Severe Heartburn

Diagnosis: After a week long bender you decide to fire it out once more. Completely disobeying your body’s signals to halt the imports of substances, you push on. As your tolerance reaches an all-time high, you stuff yourself to the brim with alcohol. After ripping through another night of heinous activities, you proceed to absolutely destroy the local fast food joints. Might as well, right? Your body has reached its maximum intake level and there’s no reason not to load your system up with every product in sight.

Recovery: 2-150 days, potential lifetime

Treatment: N/A

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