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TALLAHASSEE — In what can only be described as an act of optimistic courage and a complete lack of self-awareness, rising junior Andrew Solomon has gone through the proper channels to once again register for fall rush. After four straight semesters of failing to pique even the slightest interest from any of the 22 active IFC-affiliated chapters, an upbeat Solomon believes he’s made the necessary changes over the summer to finally get over the hump and lock down that elusive bid card.
The gangly, reserved long shot from Jacksonville, Florida has drastically altered his appearance since his last attempt in January, ditching his notorious Carrot Top vibe by cutting his long, curly, orange flow for the first time in over five years. He attempted to donate his hair to Locks of Love, but was denied by the charitable organization who claimed, “No terminally ill child should have to live out their last days on earth with fire crotch pubes atop their head.” The philanthropic Solomon has also given his musty, grunge band tees and studded wristbands to Goodwill before loading up at the local Polo outlet. Goodwill promptly gifted his Shinedown and Three Days Grace fan starter kits to Waste Management.
With a different do, different threads, and different self-given nickname, “Solo” is positive this is finally THE year.
“I’m a whole new man,” enunciated a crackly-voiced Solomon into the mirror. “You hear that dad? A man. Guess the best parts of me weren’t left in the broken condom after all, huh pops?”
But multiple fraternities have already confirmed with TFM that they will be on high alert, and will kick out the socially inept ginger on sight. Alpha Tau Omega president Chad Winslow has gone so far as filing a restraining order.
“We told him freshman year that it just wasn’t a fit within the first 30 seconds of meeting the kid,” says Winslow. “I guess he didn’t understand the sentiment of those words, as he has since proceeded to show up to the house at least 100 times over the last 2 years without ever saying a single word. I’ll be talking to a girl, having a good time, and all of a sudden the Aurora shooter is just standing next to us staring silently before we forcefully have to remove him from the party. The chapter calls him ‘Blinky.’ You know, the red ghost from Pac-Man? Motherfucker is persistent.”
It seems Solo doesn’t have many options on campus, but with two new fraternities colonizing this fall, this will be bid or bust for the microbiology major.
“Being a founding father would be cool and all, but I’m still leaning towards an established house,” muttered Solomon on his way to the ATO rush barbecue..