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Defending a Fraternity House from the Undead

Before I dive into the finer points of what might happen while defending a fraternity house from the undead, I’d like to clarify something. This article has NOTHING to do with the GDI game “Humans vs. Zombies.” That game and all its participants are the lamest things I’ve ever seen. If your main form of exercise involves Nerf guns and Doritos breaks then you’re a giant geed. I would sooner start an a cappella tribute band to the musical “Cats” than participate in or discuss at length the game of “Zombies vs. Humans.” My zombie subject matter is strictly in the spirit of Halloween, not in the spirit of celebrating virgins sprinting around campus in urban camo.

One thing a lot of zombie films have in common is that much of the tension comes from a group of survivors holed up in random locations. The places in these films, such as a farmhouse, mall, or dildo factory (yeah it was porn), play a huge part in how the survivors’ stories go. These scenarios always leave me wondering what would happen if a group of brothers barricaded themselves inside a fraternity house while the dead were rising. One thing’s for certain, sooner or later the whole affair would turn into a very literal “End of the World” rager.

It’s pretty simple to see why a zombie Armageddon would quickly lead to fraternity house debauchery. Every sorority girl you know would be seeking the nearest protection they could find. Unless their house mom is Carrie Fischer from “Sorority Row” (watched it stoned) they’re coming to you. More likely than not, at least a few of the brothers have a healthy hunting arsenal locked up in their trucks and closets. Plus, the house would be defended by a minimum of 40 able bodied men. And of course there would be enough booze on the premises to supply a small army of alcoholics. In fact, considering the amount of people and deployed firearms, I think the besieged fraternity could actually be classified as an alcoholic militia.

So what happens when the undead descend upon the house? Well for one, the aforementioned hunting enthusiasts will finally have an acceptable reason to shoot from the fraternity’s front porch/deck, but it’s doubtful that everyone will have a firearm. Other weapons will be necessary. After some seniors pull pin number on the fraternity’s softball bats, the rest of brothers will probably be finding out just how hard a pledge paddle can haze zombie ass. Meanwhile, the sorority girls would be serving as nursing and kitchen staff. This force will be running almost exclusively on bourbon and sandwiches. Somewhere, the ghost of General Patton will be smiling, but his corpse will be trying to eat you.

Trying to survive a zombie attack from inside the frat castle wouldn’t be all fun and games. Sure, the crazy apocalypse sex you would be having with all the slams at the house would be awesome, but it would create problems. Who’s going to choose defending the backdoor over their first seven-way? You + Six Vaginas > Impending Death. Another serious problem would be dealing with people who have been bitten. Assuming you aren’t a naturally homicidal sociopath, your first inclination probably won’t be to shoot your friends after they have been infected. But look out, because the guy that gets bitten is probably about to take “giving zero fucks” to previously unthinkable levels.

It would also be awkward killing zombies that you know. Bludgeoning a former slam to death with a pledge paddle would not be easy. Even if you did get to revel in the irony that you dumped her for giving toothy blow jobs and now have to kill her because once again she’s trying to bite you. However, offing a professor you hate or the dipshit kicker that couldn’t seem to hit a 32-yard field goal would be pretty great, so there’s that.

In the end I would give a fraternity house about two weeks before the place became indefensible, which is actually pretty good. You can’t hold down the fort forever. I mean, that’s longer than the Alamo held out, and zombies don’t take siestas. However, eventually something is going to give. It could be a drunken Molotov cocktail accident. It could be seven drunken Molotov cocktail accidents. It’s probably going to be some number of drunken Molotov cocktail accidents. No matter what, it’ll be a hell of a party first.

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