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Deadly Sandwiches Contain Needles Aboard Delta Air Line Flights

You might want to start lifting up the top slice of bread of your sandwiches from now on, or heaven forbid, start making your own. Recently a flight heading inbound to Minneapolis from Amsterdam is now under FBI investigation after a couple of passengers aboard the flight bit into their mid-flight sandwiches, only to have the roof of their mouths impaled by a sewing needle. The sandwiches were confiscated, leading to a third needle located in another deadly ham ‘n cheese.

What the fuck?

James Tonges unfortunately was the only one to have the needle actually penetrate his mouth, and now he’s laced up with enough drugs to overdose Lindsay Lohan. Okay, maybe not THAT many drugs, but Tonges is currently taking medication for diseases as serious as rabies, an is even on a new FDA approved drug that treats HIV.

It is still being investigated to how the needles happened upon the killer sandwiches, and the FBI isn’t ruling out terrorism at the moment. The sandwiches were made by an American company called Gate Gourmet in a satellite location within Amsterdam’s Schipol Airport. Tests are being conducted at the moment to determine if any harmful substances were on the needles. But do not be alarmed, former FBI agent Brad Garret has some comforting words:

“You can’t check every sandwich that goes aboard a plane…”

Phew, thank God. Wait, what did you fucking say former special agent Brad Garret??

The story keeps getting worse. It would have been bad enough on one flight, but additional needles were found aboard three other flights, all heading out of Amsterdam. One of the victims aboard a flight heading to Atlanta was a teenage male who refused to surrender the needle, because he wants to sue the shit out of Delta and Gate Gourmet.

In addition to the Minneapolis flight, a needle was discovered by a teenage passenger aboard a Delta flight from Amsterdam to Atlanta. The teen would not surrender the needle to authorities, who noted he told them that he planned to use it as evidence in a lawsuit.

The good news? This kid’s got a damn good head on his shoulders. The creepy as fuck news? Turns out this kid is the son of the guy taking the HIV meds. Coincidence or conspiracy?

I fucking hate flying. I don’t trust the damned machines, but it’s usually not AIDS that I’m worried about. I could just go lie naked on a sidewalk in San Francisco if I wanted that.

What is Gate Gourmet doing about this whole situation?

“In a statement Gate Gourmet said: “We take this matter very seriously. Gate Gourmet immediately launched a full investigation to determine the root cause of this disturbing incident, and we are treating this as a criminal act.”

For fuck’s sake, I hope you take this more seriously than the quality of your shitty food. Regardless, even if this entire incident just turned out to be an old blind Taiwanese woman from the textile factories who tripped, catapulting her sewing kit into a vat of grade D lunch meat, you can bet your ass I’m packing my own lunch from now on.

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