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Date A Feminist And Never Pay For A Meal Again

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Feminism kinda gets a bad rap. The dictionary defines feminism as the belief women should have equal rights to men. Nothing unreasonable about that. But there’s a massive group of feminists online that make feminism look bad. Permanently angry people who are always offended by everything. Writing passionate Tumblr posts about a cereal commercial that gave them a panic attack, or long pretentious think-pieces about why mac-n-cheese promotes rape culture. They’re the type of people to pepper spray you and stab you in the crotch with rusty car keys for saying that you giggled at a Daniel Tosh joke once.

It’s essential to remember that these women do not represent 100 percent of feminists. And I say that to say this.

I highly recommend that all men should exclusively date feminists. As a matter of fact, I don’t just recommend it, I think it should be a mandatory rule. Put your pitchforks and torches away, you angry, cheeto-fingered, portly football fans. Allow me to explain my reasoning behind this.

First off, when I say feminists, I don’t mean the annoying, eternally furious feminists you see permeating social media every day. Avoid the short-haired, NPR-listening, chocolate cake devouring, keyboard activist She-Hulks. They’re the minority but they’re the loudest. Date one of the cool, normal ones.

You’re probably wondering why I’m recommending this. Well here’s the number one reason why all of you guys NEED to date a feminist.

They don’t make you pay for shit.

Nothing at all. Nada. Zip. You don’t pay an extra dime when you wine and dine a feminist. It’s fucking amazing. It’s a wonderful treat: like finding a magnifying glass in a cereal box or a hidden track on a new album you’ve been psyched for.

I asked a girl out and she warned me “If you and I are gonna ever be together, you need to know that I am a STAUNCH feminist, and you need to be ok with that.” I still don’t know what the word staunch means but I told her that that’s totally cool.

Fast forward to the date. At the end of the evening, I reach for my wallet and I see her reach for hers. I’m a faux gentlemen, so I say “Hey, don’t worry. I got this.” She told me that she doesn’t believe in all that shit, and that she can take care of herself. She proudly exclaimed that she don’t need no man to take care of her.

Then something magical happened. She said “As a matter of fact, just to further prove my point, I’ll pay for you, too.”

I was like “Fuck yes. Girl power.” I couldn’t have been more psyched. To keep this angelic woman in my life, I started to act like a feminist just to impress her, and to persuade her that I’m not the moronic douchebiscuit that I clearly am. She would come to my place, I’d hide my Michael Jackson albums and Louis CK DVD’s. I started wearing flannel shirts and using words like “problematic.”

I’d say shit like “I think any guy who watches porn should get his dick cut off.” And she’d say “actually, I think porn is empowering to women.” And I’d say “Exactly. I misspoke, I meant that any guy that DOESN’T watch porn should get his dick cut off.”

But no matter how much I annoyed her, she would always pay for me, even when I offered. So the message is that you need to date a feminist ASAP, your wallet will thank you.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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