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God, I hate this guy. While I’m stuck picking the raisins out of Jared’s trail mix, required to send Dorn a new dab video every hour on the hour, and have to go through and delete all the user submitted scrotum pictures in the TFM Instagram DMs — an endless battle — the last thing I need is Bilzerian shoving his carefree, babe teeming life down my throat. Yet, whenever I milk my bathroom breaks, I always find myself watching this man live the dream on Snapchat. I can’t look away, despite knowing it’ll only cause me pain and suffering once reality of my situation sets back in.
Does that make me a masochist? Perhaps, knowing full well I’ll never come remotely close to pulling the type of ass Bilzerian gets on a seemingly hourly basis or have enough “fuck you” money to do whatever I damn well please like he has. But I must not be alone, because after rejoining Snapchat he had over 500,000 followers in mere hours. Imagine having that type of presence on social media. My mom and dad won’t even add me on Snapchat and this guy has the entire population of Wyoming living vicariously through him 10 seconds at a time. Must be nice, Dan. .