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The Truth Behind Cuffing Season

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cuffing season fall relationships

Fall marks the beginning of two things: football and school. These are the only two activities that deserve any of our attention this time of year. We are men: we love football. We are astute: we love (the social aspect of) school. But apparently there’s some other bullshit milling around this time of year with the hopes of robbing us of our valuable time and energy. They call it “cuffing season.” I call it “the one vagina winter” — and boy is it about to be cold.

Right now, bumping uglies with the DG you matched with on Tinder has a higher-than-normal potential of blossoming into a relationship, which would lead to the demise of your free time, your manhood, and your reputation as an okay person to be around. I know this because I have fallen victim to cuffing season. I’m writing this in part as a means of coping.

The reason for cuffing season — according to social media and every woman ever — is unsurprisingly cute and sappy. They claim that they need a lover to get them through the cold winter months. They want to steal your clothing. They want someone who will carve pumpkins with them. They want to watch holiday movies while they’re snuggled up next to you with a mug of Fireball and cocoa (the recipe for which they claim to have found on Pinterest, even though it’s just fucking Fireball and Swiss Miss). I’m here to say that their wants are invalid. Sure, some of those things sound nice, but we’ve all had them before, and we’ve all realized how old they get after a while. The real reason for guys succumbing to cuffing season is because we want to fuck.

Most of us spent the summer away from the droves of top-shelf smokes that our alliances to fraternities afford us. The ladies spent the summer away from school and probably miss having guys under 50 hit on them. Both sexes feel the urge to do a lot of catching up, so, when reintroduced to one another, exchanges turn into speed dating. Triads turn into Happy Feet with trap music. Holes start getting plugged left and right. Condom sales reach their second highest percentage of the year, dwarfed only by mom’s weekend (that’s a fact at my university). Before you know it, your timeline is full of relationship updates and the girl you met yesterday just sent you a message that says, “What are we?”

What’s your answer going to be when that happens? Are you going to ignore her until she sees you dancing with another girl and decides to fuck one of your friends in your bed? Do you have feelings for her? Do you have any friends? What if she’s crazy? Is her father a part of her life? Does she like horses? These questions need to be answered before you see this girl in person again, because at this point in the year, your dick is clogging up most of your mental processing capabilities. If you aren’t careful, you will get dragged into a relationship simply because you forgot to jack off before you left the house. Mark my words: if you hook up with a girl between the months of September and December, the chances of you getting cuffed are way higher than the chances were for you to even have had sex in the first place.

Image via Shutterstock

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Swoop Johnson

I'd like to thank Jesus, my family, and Busch Light for getting me to where I am today.

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