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An unnamed, Brooklyn couple has been awarded the honor of “Loudest Sex” based on the number of complaints registered by 311. The couple has apparently been a little too vocal while knocking boots in their apartment with the windows open, and it resulted in six different noise complaints from neighbors in 2014.
You might be thinking, “Six noise complaints in a year isn’t a lot.” It’s not, but the couple didn’t move into this apartment until October. Figure four weeks in a month, they were there for two and a half months, ten weeks total. That’s averaging just below a complaint a week. For fucking. I’m imagining (very vividly, might I add) that the time of day affected the complaints. This is seen in a complaint from an anonymous neighbor submitted at 4:40 AM on a Friday.
“Neighbors are having very loud sex with the windows open that can be heard throughout the whole bldg, [sic]” the complaint said. “I’m not a prude but there are kids in the building, and it was just a ridiculously loud amount of noise being made that the first time another woman yelled out her window, ‘Shut your f–ing windows you whore!’”
“I’m not a prude but…” is exactly what a prude would say. PIX11 found the couple, but they ran from their cameras, probably because they were late for their afternoon romp-sesh.
With the weather warming up, another neighbor said they were at it again with the windows open. But not everyone is getting pussy-envy from these neighbors. One neighbor, Peter Rivera, is unfazed.
“I haven’t heard them having sex,” Rivera said. “I know him. Good for him.”
Peter is what I like to refer to as a boss. He’s proud of his boy for gettin’ it on the reg and making her scream in pleasure. Yeah, maybe it can get a little over the top sometimes. Don’t get me wrong ladies, making noise is hot, but I know the caliber of lover I am, and if you start screaming like a porn star after 30 seconds, I know that shit isn’t legit.
Brooklyn has a bunch of freaks as evidenced by a complaint unrelated to this couple. Turns out there’s a single woman in a different apartment complex who got snitched on by her neighbor at 8:10 AM.
“My neighbor is making too much noise, she has a ‘sex machine’ and then she starts screaming ‘Yes, Yes, Yes’ for extended periods of time, they are perverts who constantly bring more individuals to perform more extreme sexual activities,” the complaint said.
Brooklyn, as a whole, takes the title of “Most Obnoxious Sex Noise Complaints” with 42, Queens had 37, the Bronx had 31 and Manhattan had 23. Staten Island had zero, most likely because no one wants to fuck a Staten Island broad..