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With one of the most interesting fights of the decade taking place next month, I thought I’d tackle the age-old question: Could a professional male MMA fighter beat a fully grown, wild, male chimpanzee in the octagon?
Surprisingly, there are a lot of articles online that cover the science behind the odds of the fight. You can read one of the articles.
I don’t know who would win the fight, but my money would be on the thing that literally lives outside and hunts for food. Sure, the fighter can train for hours a day, learn new fighting techniques, and watch film on how the chimp hits the heavy bag, but if we are being honest, a human doesn’t stand a chance.
Think about it. This primate has not one, not two, not three, but FOUR HANDS. FOUR HANDS! That’s double the amount of punches you could take. If that monkey grabs both your arms, he could dish out more body shots than a sorority girl in Cancun. Not to mention it’s freakish brute strength that can literally rip your face clean off your body. With boxing not being an option, the next logical option would be to try and get him on the ground. Wrong again. That chimp will grab onto your arms and legs with his extra foot-hands and start munching on you like he was trying to win a pie eating contest. The human has two hands for grappling, some submission moves and two normal ass flat feet. Pretty unimpressive comparatively.
I could see it now; Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg are announcing the fight. The chimp is confused and startled by the noise and flashing lights. At first he doesn’t move, not knowing where he is or what is going on. The fight starts and the fighter comes at the chimp waiting for it to make the first move. The chimp sits down and rolls around, just having fun, thinking it’s a game. Angered by the chimps response, the fighter throws out a few feeler-jabs at the chimps face, just to see how it will react. It stops rolling around, stands up on its hind legs and starts angrily screeching and howling.
Joe Rogan’s boner is at full throttle. The fighter now has the chimp’s attention. The chimp runs along the fence of the octagon on all fours so quickly the fighter doesn’t have time to adjust his footing. The chimp executes a flawless Randy Orton RKO, immobilizing the fighter, and puts his weird foot-hands on the fighter’s arms, pinning him. With his freakish strength, the ape double hammer fists the fighter like Brock Lesnar did Frank Mir in UFC 81. Game, set, match. Winner: chimp.
Post-fight interview with Joe Rogan:
Joe: “What a fight! You took him out with ease in the first round. What was your inspiration throughout the fight?”
Chimp: “I did it for Harambe. Where’s my f**kin’ belt?”.
Image via Shutterstock