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File this under “Whelp, that’s gay.”
The Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity will no longer be recognized by Cornell after two of the fraternity’s pledges were hospitalized in a “mentally scarring,” “sexually humiliating” hazing incident, a University official said Wednesday.
A mentally scarring, sexually humiliating incident? I feel like this is the perfect place for an ex-wife joke, but I’m not a divorcée. Still, an opportunity like this can’t be passed up, so I’m going to go ahead and let 54-year-old, unsuccessful, local Austin standup comic Hank Mung take this one.
(*Hands keyboard to Hank*)
“Hey thanks everybody! Great to be here! Mentally scarred and sexually humiliated?! Were they pledging a fraternity or eating my ex-wife’s pussy!”
(*Hank shakes his cigar, takes a drink of scotch*)
“My ex-wife has a terrifying pussy. How terrifying is it? My ex-wife’s pussy is so terrifying that it’s actually A COCK!”
(*Hank Drinks more scotch, stares off into the distance*)
“Fuckin’ bitch took everything…EVERYTHING! The kids won’t talk to me, I’m broke, I had to record my last comedy album, “My Ex-Wife’s Pussy,” at the fucking mall! I’m selling it outta the trunk of my car which oh by the way is also my home!
(*Hank uncaps scotch bottle, finishes it*)
“I got a plan though. Yeah. It’s a good one too. It’ll look like an accident. People drown in the bathtub eeeeeeeeveryday…
(*Rips keyboard away from Hank*)
Go home Hank, you’re drunk.
(*Hank steals keyboard back*)
“I DON’T HAVE A HOME!”
(*Shoves Hank, takes keyboard, calls security, a crying Hank is dragged away*)
Full disclosure, aside from being a divorced, middle-aged, unsuccessful stand up comic, Hank’s also a relapsed alcoholic with a few domestic violence priors. Anyway…Hank Mung ladies and gentlemen!
(*Looks out window into the parking lot, sees a crying Hank leading a hose from his car exhaust to the front seat and rolling up the windows, closes blinds, moves on*)
The pledges were placed in “really humiliating, sexually humiliating kinds of activities,” said Travis Apgar, associate dean of students for fraternity and sorority affairs.
“There was one activity where the only thing [the pledges] were wearing was underwear, and it’d be ripped off,” Apgar said. “It’s pretty strange on one hand, and pretty serious and mentally scarring on the other.”
Apparently you can add Cornell to the list of schools where upperclassmen haze by violently ripping off another dude’s underwear. All the other schools on that list are male stripper schools, by the way.
There’s a lot of hazing I just don’t get, and most of it involves pledge genitalia. Ripping off their underwear? I think the ΤΕΦ actives need to take a step back and realize they were attempting to forge a sense of brotherhood by performing gay feats of strength. When you put it like that it doesn’t sound like such a good idea, huh? Though I’m not sure how even something as simple as “Let’s rip off the pledges’ underwear tonight” sounded like a good idea either…
“These are incredibly intelligent young men, how would they not see that there are better ways to build brotherhood and trust?” Apgar said.
Apgar should’ve continued, “And by better ways I mean literally any other way. I mean, ripping off their underwear? Were the pledges supposed to be impressed with their strength? It’s just cotton or linen or whatever. Is the surprise of having their penises suddenly exposed supposed to teach the pledges a lesson about humility? Giving them a wedgie I’d understand, but making them naked as quickly and violently as possible? WHAT? I take back what I said, these aren’t intelligent young men, they’re fucking idiots.”
Representatives from TEP rejected multiple requests for comment.
Cornell’s punishment raises concerns about the its medical amnesty policy, since the fraternity called for emergency medical help for the pledges. Apgar said that though illegal alcohol consumption is protected by medical amnesty, hazing is not.
ΤΕΦ pledges needed emergency medical assistance after having their underwear ripped off. Let that sink in.
Seriously, who the fuck are these kids?
Though the fraternity may choose to appeal the University’s decision within the next two days, its loss of recognition at Cornell makes the chapter unable to recruit new members, among other lost recognition privileges.
It’s okay, the chapter wouldn’t have been able to recruit new members anyway, because now they’re “the house that rips off their pledges’ underwear.”
[via The Cornell Daily Sun]
Image via DoleTown.com