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Congratulations, The World Health Organization Says You Most Likely Have Herpes

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We’ve all had that high-risk lay. The one that induces an emergency HAZMAT evacuation the following morning. The girl who obviously requires a condom or seven, yet our better judgement gives way to allow the ill-advised, alcohol-induced decisions to enter. If you’re an American, there is a 50/50 shot that she was hosting a herpes farm, and luckily for you, it’s always harvesting season. At least, this all holds true assuming you believe the new statistics released by the World Health Organization.

According to WHO, a mind blowing 67 percent of the world’s population is a carrier of herpes, and they’re just gifting that shit for free left and right like a filthy Secret Santa.

From Time:

That’s more than 3.7 billion people under the age of 50, or 67% of the population, the organization said Friday. There are two types of the herpes simplex virus, an infectious and incurable condition. HSV-1 is primarily transmitted through oral-oral contact and causes cold sores around the mouth, while HSV-2 is sexually transmitted and causes genital herpes.

But the new WHO study shows that HSV-1 can also cause genital herpes through oral sex. Now, over half-a-billion people between ages 15 and 49 have genital herpes caused by either strain of the herpes virus.

Comforting, right? About 49 percent of the women in the Americas are believed to be carrying one of the two strains of herpes. That comes out to be around 178 million women, with 6 million new cases every year. If you know your way around a calculator, some quick math will show that over the course of a year, there are approximately 16,400 new female cases per day in the Americas. That’s a metric shit ton of disgusting, unprotected sex.

In the big picture, though, we’re not that bad off here in the states. Africa is struggling with 87 percent of their population dealing with the infection. Head north to Europe and we’ll see a slightly better rate of 69 percent infected for women, and 61 percent for men. In all, around 3.7 billion people are dealing with the infection worldwide.

As you head out tomorrow night, seeking to take home a slutty firefighter, remind yourself that even a great pair of chest cannons can’t extinguish the flames of a nice case of crotch craters. All it takes is a trip to the wrong side of the odds.

[via Time, World Health Organization]

Image via Shutterstock/ambrozinio

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Bogey Wells

Bogey Wells is a Senior Freelance Writer for TFM News and a former summer pledge intern at TFMHQ. His Spotify playlists are pure garbage. Email:

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