NEW TFM Videos Section

Watch thousands of hilarious videos from college campuses across the country.

Watch Now

In Defense Of Being An Asshole

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====


I often hear a lot of talk, especially in the media, about how everyone is supposed to be incredibly sensitive to everyone’s feelings nowadays. No one is ever to be offended or have their feelings hurt, because that isn’t inclusive and if we aren’t being 100% inclusive we may as well return to the primordial pits we climbed out of 300,000 years ago or something. This is patent bullshit.

The world is a place that requires some tenacity and tough love. This is almost always perceived as being an asshole. We live in a society that loses their collective shit over children playing cops and robbers on the playground, suspending them for pretend violence. We are metaphorically castrating the next generation in an effort to make everyone feel like they all always belong. It’s an admirable goal, but conflict is in human nature, which is why I’m going to take some time to defend one of the most important parts of American society and dominance: the asshole.

Now, I first need to differentiate the dick from the asshole. The dick is a person that goes around being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk. No one likes him or his mouth-breathing cousin, the douchebag. They ruin everything for everyone. They derive joy from making other people fail and exploit our system for their benefit and theirs alone. Some among you may ask, “But what about the nice guy?” The nice guy, unless he’s kind of an asshole, will get crushed in competition with the dicks and douchebags. For example, Ghandi vs. the colonial Brits: the Brits were being dicks and oppressing the native Indians. Did Ghandi humbly suggest they change? No. He staged civil disobedience that could have gotten him and many other Indians killed. Even Ghandi was kind of an asshole.

The asshole is someone that gets shit done without the frills and touchy-feely stuff. They don’t necessarily care about your feelings, they just want the job done. Your average chapter pledge trainer? He’s a dick. Possibly a dick with severe emotional issues, but a dick. Your incredibly effective chapter president that keeps everyone in line somehow? He’s an asshole, and without him, things fall apart. So, why is it important to be able to be an asshole?

Assholes Know How To Make Something Work

Look at every successful CEO in America. How many of them are described as “laid back” or “sensitive”? I’ll bet you the answer is not many. Even fairly liberal tech company CEOs like Jobs and Gates were hard-ass bosses that screwed a few people over in order to ensure their business model succeeded. Assholes tend to be aggressive in the pursuit of their ambitions and unwilling to compromise on their vision. This dooms the stubborn dick CEO, but the CEO willing to take a hard look at himself and drive that vision forward? He’ll make it happen.

Assholes Are Better At Competition

You notice that a number of big name sports stars are complete assholes, bordering on dick territory? This is because they’ve been driven to compete since a young age. If you don’t think a ravenous competitive spirit is a good thing, you’re probably a sad beta male that needs to step up his game. This country wasn’t built by passive beta males, this country was built by alpha male assholes like Benjamin Franklin and George Washington. You know what Washington did? He murdered a bunch of Hessian mercs in their sleep, after crossing the Delaware in the freezing winter cold, on Christmas. It helped turn the tide of the war. That’s an asshole move. It’s also a big part of why we don’t all lose our shit over over-privileged British royals getting hitched.

Assholes Are Confident

Now, I’m not saying being an overconfident douche is a good thing, but assholes are self-assured. Sometimes too much, but it means they know themselves well. Self-confidence is key to success. If you can’t believe in yourself, how can anyone else? Success starts with knowing who you are, what you want, and how you’re going to get it. An asshole is confident in these things.

All that said, don’t go out and be a dick or a douchebag. Confidence, competitive spirit, and drive are all incredibly important traits of any successful man, and common to everyone who would be considered an asshole. They also belong to the other two categories though. Don’t take your confidence so far that you derive pleasure from making others suffer (unless they deserve it) or take your competitive spirit so far that you come to crush the foundation of our system under your boundless greed. The asshole walks a fine line, like Batman, between fighting for something and being part of the problem. One must remember, if you want to be successful and remembered long after you’re gone, you have to make an impact, and nice guys don’t make impact, they make suggestions and hold positivity seminars with inclusive language campaigns. Assholes will get shit done.


Email this to a friend


Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

24 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

The Feed