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It’s officially Spring, which means beautiful weather, girls in sundresses, and a lot of drinking outside. Unless, of course, you’re in the Northeast. As I sit here drinking coffee, ripping JUUL, and furiously typing away on my 2012 MacBook Pro, I notice something. There’s fucking snow on the ground in the middle of March.
The snow makes me feel nostalgic about the days where I used to “Send it” whenever classes were canceled. Now I’m washed up, so I reside in my apartment drinking inordinate amounts of coffee while playing endless games of Fortnite and betting on 3rd division Icelandic Soccer. Not a bad life, but deep down I’m disappointing myself by not taking advantage of my current circumstances and pulling the following power moves.
The Accounting course you were going to sleep through is now cancelled, so it’s time to celebrate the fact that you didn’t lose any attendance points, and you lived to see another day in your journey to pass the course after failing it last semester.
It’s time to hammer your GroupMe, find a pledge with an ’80s ski jacket that you can rock to look the part and stay warm, and get your booze in order. Your house probably has a stockpile of Natty Ice and Crown Russe, but today is a special occasion. Find yourself some whiskey to keep you warm and switch to beer later to officially lock in a blackout. Round up the troops. Start blasting Thunderstruck to let the boys know you’re ready to get after it, and hit up every sorority chick you know to alert them about your snow rager. Make sure to thank the snow for providing you with this opportunity, and have yourself a day.
If you don’t feel like drinking, building an igloo is a great option. Gather up some fellow stoners and plan out the dimensions of your snowy hotbox like construction workers. You can even get creative like these bros.
That thing is an absolute unit. Anyway, pimp out your igloo, bundle up, and smoke like Seth Rogen and James Franco in Pineapple Express. And after, make sure you fire up some food to fuel your munchies.
Fortnite on a snow day is special. You can literally commit the entire day to dropping in at Tilted Towers or Snobby Shores without feeling the guilt of skipping class. Like I said, special. The move is to assemble a squad with your boys, but try to get a ringer in there. If you don’t get a win the day was a bust, so grab a tin of Grizzly Wintergreen, take an addy, drink a Red Bull, or do all three, and lock the fuck in.
This is an all-time classic. Get lit up like a Christmas tree so you don’t feel anything when you wipe out in a pile of snow. Then, find a suitable sled. Odds are you don’t have one, so search for a household item that’ll get you down a hill faster than Clark Griswold in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. A trash can lid, oven tray, or an old fraternity composite photo could do pretty well, but make sure you grease up the bottom of it for optimal speed. Find the largest hill in your neighborhood that won’t kill you if you wipe out at the bottom of it. If you really want to shred some gnar, build a ramp towards the end of your hill to get some air and make things a bit more fun. There’s nothing like being hammered and gliding through the air, but just try not to break any bones.
For all my entrepreneurs out there, today is a perfect day to make money. Round up some of the boys, dig out the shovels and snowblowers, and take to your neighborhood to move some snow. Your 75-year-old neighbor will be glad to hand over cash in exchange to have a clear driveway so she can make bingo tomorrow night, so why not take advantage of the situation? Plus, you’ll have some extra money in your pocket for the bar tonight to impress girls by buying them $2 mixed drinks. Win-win all around.
Any way you go about it, enjoy your day off. .