Let me start by saying that I understand long distance relationships. As I type this article, I am still actively dating the very girl whom I spent my entire freshman year of college wishing would die in a dorm fire at her respective school (no offense, babe). Guys often ask me how I did it, and my response is always the same: dump her. Do it now, because as I’ve learned first-hand, the grass is much greener on your own university’s pasture.
Due to my lack of manly attributes and my inability to deal with disappointing people, I’ve endured an entire year of long distance relationship pains. And, unless she gets a delightfully aggressive cancer very soon, I’m gearing up for a second year of hell (no offense, babe). So if up to this point you are still considering following my path, I’m here to piss on every shred of hope you have left until you realize the only smart thing to do is cut the dead weight.
1. Your girlfriend is not that hot — trust me
Let’s get this shit off the table. You girlfriend is mediocre at best. Just because you rated her a 9 when you met her in high school doesn’t mean that rating holds any water in college. In my eyes, my girl was a goddamn dime back home. Fast forward to my first fraternity function and the introduction to the wonderful world of rich sorority girls that came with it and I’m now forced ask my girl to keep her shirt on and always face away from me during coitus (no offense, babe).
It all comes down to where your reference points are; it’s like how Johnny Manziel was the fucking shit compared to his college competition but now finds the goings tough. Moral of the story? Just because she looks like a big fish, it doesn’t mean she is one; it’s probably just because you’ve been fishing in a shitty little pond all your life. College is the fucking ocean, and there a marlins and sharks and shit to catch. Drop your guppy and pick up a damn harpoon for God’s sake.
2. You won’t die alone, so calm down
Many in college long distance relationships consider themselves lucky to have found a girl who wanted to be with them, and believe that if they leave her, they’ll never find anyone else. Not only do you sound like the biggest pussy on the face of the earth if that’s your reasoning, you’re also completely wrong. Maybe in high school all the other girls except the one you found didn’t appreciate your love of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards and your sweet neck beard, which is why you settled. College is where people from all over the country and even the world come together, though, so the chances of you finding someone who loves your 1st edition Blue-Eyes White Dragon — if even for one night — are higher than you think.
3. You don’t love her, so just stop
I don’t care what the hell you have to say. You don’t love her, and if you say that shit again I’ll roundhouse kick you in the goddamn temple. I understand that everyone wants that “high school sweetheart” fairytale, where you guys overcome all odds and basically reenact one of those shitty Nicholas Sparks movies, but the truth is shit like that doesn’t happen in real life. High school sweetheart stories are for losers who live in their hometown all their life and have no other choice at the end of the day.
As much as you may feel like this girl is everything you could ever want, people change. 19-year-old you and 25-year-old you will probably have very little in common, especially if you take full advantage of your time in college. And since you two will be doing all this growing in completely separate environments aside from the occasional rendezvous, the cute little things you guys had in common back home are suddenly dwarfed by the huge differences you have come to realize during the 9 or more months you spend apart a year. You may “love” her now, but chances are shit will change when you realize that she hates Maker’s Mark and thinks that your 13 pairs of Sperrys are “obsessive.” What does she know anyways?
In a nutshell, it’s just not worth it, and if after this article you still feel the need to attempt this suicide mission, more power too you. Just don’t say that some random TFM writer didn’t warn you. Dumbass..