College In Middle Of Nowhere Michigan Shockingly Named Safest Campus In America

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Michigan Tech University is situated in Houghton, Michigan. Where in the world is that, you might ask? Go ahead. Google it. I’ll wait. Done? Yep, it’s all the way up there. It’s basically in Canada. So when College Magazine came out with this year’s edition of the safest campuses in America, it was no shock who took home the crown.

Coming in at number one is the lakeside campus with a crime rate 53 percent below the national average. Uh yeah, ya think? There are plenty of reasons this is a no-brainer. First off, anyone who grew up in a small town understands the concept of cops not having shit to do just looking to crack down on the smallest infractions. Even things like getting clocked going 26 in a 25 and jaywalking don’t get past Houghton PD. Additionally, MTU is a highly academic school. Fact: nerds are less likely to commit crimes because, well they’re nerds and therefore kinda pussies. And they don’t have time for it. Too busy solving equations and shit.

I would venture to say that there are a lot of wild things that one is more likely to get attacked by in Houghton, Michigan than a person. Like a bear, or a moose, or a coyote or something. In fact, getting Cheneyed by an errant hunting bullet is probably a more common danger. Better not forget to wear that orange vest.

Is it even fair to include schools like this one on the safest campus list? College Magazine should consider making next year’s edition only schools set in places where crime is inherently a thing. Show me campuses that are safe despite their environment, and not because of it. I mean even BYU was on this list. B-Y-U: the United States capital for zero fun.

In all seriousness, shoutout to MTU and all of the other campuses that made the list. We may joke about “safe spaces” but college should be an environment where we all feel comfortable walking around without running into any real danger.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

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Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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