======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
It’s week two of the college football season, and hopefully a few more good games are in order. Don’t get me wrong, the UGA-Clemson game was an instant classic, two great offenses playing their best ball on the grandest stage of the weekend, but did you really enjoy watching many of the other games? Bama and Virginia Tech was only exciting during Christian Jones’ special teams appearances, and the Texas A&M and Rice game was over as soon as Johnny Manziel started making it rain in the second half. LSU really dominated TCU, even if the score makes it look closer than it actually was. It could be argued that the most exciting moment of the weekend belonged to @Vodka_Samm, as she attempted to stumble onto the Iowa playing surface.
Although there are only two ranked games this weekend again, I expect a few more close battles, as explained below. But, before I get into this Saturday’s slate of games, a word about the end of summer.
Labor Day was this week, and many people gladly celebrated the symbolic arrival of the fall season. Now, I love football, pumpkin bread, and the fall foliage — LEAVES SO MANY ORANGEYELLOWRED LEAVES — but what’s the hurry to be done with summer? Summer is fucking awesome. There’s no school (for those of you lucky enough to have postponed your entrance into the real world), it’s always warm (unless you live up north, in which case your life sucks all year round), you can go to the beach or pool, or go out EVERY night and drink ’til the sunburn don’t hurt. Have you seen these sheer tops girls are wearing this summer? I saw a girl the other day whose shirt was completely transparent. She may as well have been wearing a ziplock bag. Anyone who complains about it being summer should be forcibly exiled to Siberia. With fall, it’s really only acceptable to spend one full day a week drinking (Saturday). The pools are closed and beaches are too cold to visit, and girls have switched from translucent crop tops to hoodies. Plus, it’s only a couple more months until it starts to snow and the wind blows so hard that I literally ask God for deliverance from the torment. The only thing I look forward to in fall is football. I hope y’all realize how blessed we are to live in a country that provides all-day entertainment on Saturdays when the weather outside is shit. I bet people in Russia wish they had football to watch.
Week two Miller Time (the noon time slot, named such because it sucks and so does Miller beer) is significantly more interesting than in week one. For one, Teddy Bridgewater and his #8 Louisville Cardinals play, albeit against Eastern Kentucky. Teddy will be an interesting player to watch this season. He is widely considered the most NFL ready of the QBs expected to be in the 2014 draft. He also has a good shot at winning the Heisman. Unfortunately, the other teams in the new American Athletic Conference would probably finish somewhere in the middle of the Lingerie Football League. Louisville will need to go undefeated for him to win the trophy and possibly compete for the BCS title. “Gump” may be just good enough to make that happen.
Also at noon, #12 Florida makes a trip to Coral Gables to play the Miami Hurricanes. I’m predicting a Miami win this Saturday. Gators QB Jeff Driskel throws a football as effectively as a fat man wipes his ass. Florida running back Mack Brown became the face of the offense in week one with a two touchdown game, but he’s no Duke Johnson. The Miami tailback rushed for 186 yards last weekend, averaging just shy of 10 yards per carry. Neither team throws much, but with backs like these two, why bother? If you get bored watching this one, might I suggest a drinking game? Drink each time the QB skips a pass to his receiver. You’ll be shithoused by 3:00.
We’ve got two good games in the afternoon. First, at 3:30, new #2 Oregon travels way east to face the Virginia Cavaliers. Oregon jumped Ohio State in the polls after routing poor Nicholls State in Eugene; the Ducks had 24 points in the first quarter. Last week, Virginia eked out a victory against BYU in a matchup of two of the WASPiest fan bases in college football. Next time you see someone wearing a UVA shirt at Walmart, take a photo and tweet it to me. That’s my white whale. Frankly, this would be a monumental upset for Virginia, but the last time a team ranked #2 traveled to Charlottesville, they left with the L. In 1995, the Wahoos ended Florida State’s 29 game ACC winning streak with a last second goal-line stand.
An hour later at 4:30, #11 Georgia once again plays in the best game of the weekend. Clemson was just able to outscore Aaron Murray’s Dawgs in Death Valley, but facing #6 South Carolina’s defense will be a completely different experience. Chide Jadeveon Clowney’s conditioning all you like, but he’s proven he can completely change the momentum of the game whenever he pleases. On the flip side, players score so often against this young Bulldogs defense that they should start carrying condoms in their cleats. If UGA were to fall to 0-2, the Bulldogs would essentially be out of the national title picture, and you can expect many more Bulldog fans to call into local radio stations and cry their eyes out.
The biggest night game, and College Gameday, takes place in Ann Arbor. The second to last meeting of the #14 Notre Dame Fighting Irish and the #17 Michigan Wolverines will be played under the lights of The Big House. The lamest sports story of the week has been whether or not this is a real rivalry. Let me set the record straight: it’s not. Notre Dame’s refusal to join a conference does not mean that the Irish get to just say that everyone they play is a rival. Go Blue and Notre Dame are only playing for the 41st time. To put that in perspective, the longest running rivalry game, Minnesota and Wisconsin, has been played 81 more times. If I could keep it together when the Missouri bolted to the SEC and ended the Border War (Kansas and Missouri have the second most played rivalry at 120 battles), then I better see no tears for the end of an insignificant “rivalry” like this one. I am predicting a Michigan blowout. Wolverines win by 17, or one more point than Notre Dame has wins in this shitty series.
I usually think Brad Paisley sucks (Really, Brad? “Accidental Racist”), but because I am so melancholy about summer almost being over, I’ve chosen his song “Beat This Summer” as my song of the week.