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Although American universities are often criticized for spending large amounts of money on elaborate residence halls, recreation centers and other amenities, the results of new research suggest this might be exactly what college-bound high school seniors want.
Because fuck academics, that’s why! Bring on the Arnold Palmers during class! In fact, I want a caddy to carry my books to my lectures, and also give me a read on the slight curve of the blonde that sits two rows down. If research is showing that country club colleges are a good thing then they better go all out. Par 3 course right there on campus, and a cart girl that loves verbal sexual harassment in exchange for a fat tip. (Mental note: start saying “fat tip” to more hot beer cart girls. The first step is getting them to think about it.)
This “new research” was carried out by the National Bureau of Economic Research and I want to know how much these assholes got paid to come up with this groundbreaking discovery. These men are obviously top of their class in stating the obvious and calling it new research, but I want to help them take it a step further. I want to publish a study that shows that high school male seniors want to get laid in college, they want to get drunk in college, and I’ll even go out on a limb and say they want to do it with minimal academic effort involved. So yeah, if you want to attract more students, bring on the flat screens in the common areas, the recliners, the swimming pools, and if you really want to see your freshmen male population sky rocket, implement a little rub-and-tug parlor in the student union while you’re at it.
The National Bureau of Economic Research released a paper on Monday titled “College as Country Club: Do Colleges Cater to Students’ Preferences for Consumption?”
The paper’s authors, University of Michigan professors Brian Jacob, Brian McCall and Kevin Stange, concluded many four-year colleges have more to gain by investing in amenities like student services and activities, athletics and facilities. As Inside Higher Ed reports, colleges will attract more applicants by focusing spending on these discretionary areas.
It makes sense I guess. If you’re a high school senior staring down the barrel of a solid 2.5 GPA, you know that Yale isn’t exactly stoked to see your application letter. In fact, the Ivy League college administrators are only allowed to wipe their ass with 3.9 GPA applications and below. So might as well pick a school where you can enjoy yourself a little more then, right? Sign up for a college that is built for people who want to put their feet up and pound Natty in their dorm’s new La-Z-Boy more than crack a book. Or pick up a trade like pipe fitting or welding because you obviously weren’t cut out for higher learning.
“Higher achieving students” are more willing to pay for academic quality than their “less academically-oriented peers,” the paper’s authors wrote, while wealthier students are more willing to pay for “consumption amenities,” like fancy dorms and rec centers. This could provide incentive for less selective schools who aren’t at the top of the U.S. News & World Report and Princeton Review rankings to focus on amenities.
“Less academically-oriented peers” is the nicest way to call someone a dumbass that I have ever seen. That being said, I am so in favor of this new research that I want to join. No, I want to innovate. I want to open up my own country club college. Justin Long did it with the South Harmon Institute of Technology in a movie once, so why can’t I? The only difference is mine won’t be comprised of lunatics who want to longboard into a dirty swimming pool. In fact, this is my blue print:
“Higher learning for the people who enjoy the finer things in life…”
That’s all I have for now but I imagine that with enough bourbon and Grizzly Wintergreen I could crank out a solid plan. All I know is Dick U will involve a full 18-hole golf course strewn throughout campus, plenty of swimming pools, a Lilly Pulitzer store in every dormitory in order to attract females, and a skeet shooting range. Also, every student will be assigned a golf cart to get to classes. All longboards will be thrown into a wood chipper and its owner will receive immediate expulsion from Dean Dick. Most importantly, every lecture hall will have a full bar that is open during class hours.
Dick University is going to happen.
[via Huffington Post]
Image via Maui Country Club