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Cockblock Prevention 101

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Now that I’ve gotten my sentimental heartwarming column out of the way, it’s time to get back to business. Today we tackle the ever-present and ever-annoying cockblock, and its many forms and representations. Throughout your fraternal exploits, regardless of your general success with women, you are bound to come across a few of these speed bumps and by properly preparing you can hopefully overcome them and bring home some sweet sorostitute tail.

The most prevalent and difficult form of cockblock is the infamous ugly friend. She follows your targeted slam around like a lost puppy, though her outward appearance is more akin to a possum. She sniffs out your moves like a bloodhound, and even at the first inkling of your polite offer of drinks, she shuffles the entire group into the bathroom. It seems that this specimen has become so infuriated with her lack of hookup options that she chooses to leech off her (much prettier) friends, like a horrific tornado of mediocrity. The only time tested way to quell a “slip-through-the-cracks” menstruating sorority girl is to imply the wingman technique. I know no one likes to slay a cave troll, but you’re bound to have a “token fat guy” in your chapter who will take the cake, and eat it too. And, of course, everyone knows the brother who loses all sense of standards after a few beers and will throw himself on the first moist orifice he can pull his way. By employing this brother to take one for the team, you are clear to go in for the kill.

Another horrifically common form of cockblock is the “out of town boyfriend.” This douche somehow manages an iron grasp over his lady while probably cheating his ass off over a thousand miles away. He has really perfected the system. I’ll give him that. But that doesn’t give him the right to prevent you from scoring. My time tested attitude to apply to a situation involving the out-of-towner goes along the lines of this: “Sorry, I can’t. I have a boyfriend.” To which I reply: “And I have a goldfish. Let’s talk about something that matters.” The simple fact is long distance relationships are a complete bitch to maintain in college, and most couples have completely irrational expectations. All you have to do is feed off of that, and you’re set.

The final and most loathsome type of cockblock I’ll be tackling today is the always frustrating “bro-block.” You’ve surely been there, spending the whole social listening to her dreadfully boring stories about the girls she hates in her pledge class. You’ve suffered through the complaints about her intellectual battles with Psych 101. You ordered round after round as the gap between hotness and annoyance became smaller with each passing whiskey ginger. And then he sweeps in. After a two-minute bathroom escape, you return to find him viciously cock-slapping your target like something out of a Pretty Ricky video. He may claim ignorance (“I didn’t know you were going for her man!”) but we all know that’s a load of bullshit. These types of brothers benefit off your hard work, and swoop in nearly undetected like a sexually frustrated ninja. Some girls don’t even notice, as they’re so far past the point of drunk that nearly any cylindrical object looks sexually appealing. There aren’t a lot of options for the post-cockblocked brother, so the simple remedy is to stop letting douchebags rush your house. Also, if they’re younger than you, I’ve never seen anything wrong with a little post-pledging haze session. Sometimes you just need to put them in line.

Whatever cockblocks come your way, with a little creativity and persistence (it doesn’t hurt to be good looking) you’re sure to prevail. But don’t get out of hand with the persistence thing. I’ve heard the whole “No means Yes and Yes means Anal” thing but I’m not sure the law keepers of our society quite agree with that logic. No still means no, and forced anal means prison.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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