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Christianity Themed Computer Tablet Being Sold for Christians Afraid of Regular Computer Tablets

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Just when you thought there couldn’t be any more God in the news, Family Christian, a website and retail chain that specializes in Jesus-related gifts and apparel, but totally doesn’t take advantage of people’s religious beliefs to turn a profit, has released the first Christian tablet computer, and the world collectively hopes it’s the last.

The Family Christian Edifi is a simple Android-based tablet with similar specs and design to the far more popular Kindle Fire. Retailing for $149.99, the tablet sports a built in Bible app, Christian radio stations, and built-in Big Brother style internet suppression. Because God doesn’t want his flock giving themselves OTPHJ’s in the corner of a Starbucks.

In an interview with Fox News, technology supervisor Brian Honorable (yes, that’s actually his name) went on to say he hoped they could “get people closer to God…through a tablet.”

While all of these features sound peachy to the kind of people who shop at Family Christian stores, the fact is that everything Christianity-related that this tablet does can be performed by literally any other device. There are thousands of Bible Apps in every language from English to Swahili. If you want to hear Christian radio that bad, you can easily find a station. And not regulating the internet for your children is just damn lazy.

What we have here is another classic case of stamping something as “Christian” to drive the sales of an otherwise insignificant piece of technology.

While Honorable was quick to compare his Jesus-tab to the wildly popular Kindle Fire, my guess is that hundreds of kids out there will exhale a dissatisfied “Oh,” on Christmas morning. After seeing the cover art, which will undoubtedly show Jesus carrying two tablet PC’s with the commandments flashing on their screens, no child could possibly get excited.

Just imagine if Eric Cartman got his hands on one of these e-Bibles. While there aren’t any real kids out there who will murder someone’s parents and cook them into chili, there are plenty of little shithead children who would be infuriated getting a “religious” tablet.
To any fundamentalist Christian parents out there who stumbled on this site by accident: just get them the iPad. At least they can jerk off with the iPad.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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