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Chipotle On Track To Fuck Up Abercrombie’s Future Profits

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The year was 2003, and I was at the Cherry Hill Mall with some friends slurping down a lemonade and munching on some mini-pretzels at Auntie Anne’s (because I was in high school and there was a time when I didn’t give a fuck about carbs).

As we perused the mall, a whiff of pungent cologne and pure, sexual frustration filled the air. It belonged to that of an Abercrombie “model,” the poster boy for the post-’90s douche, with frosted tips and a puka shell necklace, who was greeting bottle blondes as they walked into the store. He turned to me, looking a little Lance Bass and me more John F. Kennedy, and smugly said, “Ralph Lauren? What are you, like, 80?”

At the time, I had no response. He laughed as I walked away, and naturally, from that moment on, I swore I’d bring a hell storm down on that non-shirt wearing, cologne spraying, fat shaming apparel company known as Abercrombie & Fitch. That’s a pretty rational thing for someone to do, right? Well, luckily for me, Chipotle got there first.

I’m not sure what they did, but that same goober must have pissed off the future leaders of Chipotle, because Abercrombie is slowly being bent over by the Mexican McDonald’s in every way possible. Investment bank and asset management firm Piper Jaffray released a report on teen spending last month, and for the first time in the history of the survey, Jaffray found that teens are spending as much money on food as they are clothing. This makes sense, because have you been dragged along against your will to troll a high school with the DeVry Guy lately? No? Well, needless to say, obesity is definitely an issue. Where are all of these pudgy kids getting their nourishment? The same place we all go after a night of drunken debauchery: Chipotle.

From Business Insider:

Piper Jaffray’s most recent survey among teens shows that the burrito chain edged out competitors like Starbucks and Taco Bell.

Chipotle’s status is also a threat to teen apparel retailers like Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, and Aeropostale, Brian Sozzi, chief equities strategist at Belus Capital Advisors, told Business Insider.

‘That menu price increase is coming straight out of the registers of teen apparel retailers this back-to-school season,’ Sozzi said.

Who’s laughing now, random Abercrombie store employee circa 2003? I bet with all the foreseeable layoffs, you’ll have to do something super demeaning for work–like look for a job at another Abercrombie. Not only is Chipotle taking away potential future earnings, but it’s even doing YOUR brand better than you. When was the last time you had sex with someone who was wearing the moose logo? I don’t know, but I can tell you the last time someone raw dogged on top of the number one restaurant’s storefront. Just ask Michael Suh and Nicole Germack of Delaware where they’d rather get their freak on. It’s guaranteed they vote stuffing burritos at the place where you can actually get a stuffed burrito.

And Obama may order Chipotle all wrong, but at least he’s snacking on a barbacoa burrito. I haven’t seen the POTUS between your geed-infested racks lately, which is probably his best decision so far as commander in chief.

Also, constantly stuffing your face with burrito bowls all but ensures you won’t fit into undersized Abercrombie clothes anytime soon.

Oh yeah, and your owner looks like Sloth from “The Goonies.”

I’ve waited 11 long years for this day to come, and finally Abercrombie will die the slow death it deserves for bringing us pre-ripped, acid wash jeans and that fucking moose logo.

I may dress like my 80-year-old grandfather, but he was a Marine, so fuck you. I know that guy probably isn’t working at that same store anymore, but he’s probably still listening to his *NSYNC records wondering how the good times just flew on by. If I ever see him at the Cherry Hill Mall again, I’ll yell out, “Nice moose logo, asshole…”

On second thought, I’m going to need a better comeback. Let me just think about that for another 11 years.

[via Business Insider]

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Jordan Gershowitz

Jordan is a writer living in a small yet overpriced apartment in NYC. He can always be found in his favorite pair of topsiders, even though he doesn't own a yacht (yet). He may not always be right, but he's never wrong and he also knows that finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. He could eat cereal for every meal, but doesn't...because you know...carbs. For angry tweets about the state of IU basketball follow him @jordangersh

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